In actress Sarah Jessica Parker's words, Carrie Bradshaw is a woman "with access to fashion and... likes to spend her money in certain ways." I might put it in slightly less flattering language: Carrie Bradshaw is rich and shallow.

It's nice that "nerd" is no longer a four letter word used by bullies in school yards to taunt people. Instead, it seems like everybody wants to declare how they are a nerd, or how some aspect of their personality is "nerdy". Maybe it's part of internet culture, since the internet is built by nerds. In fact our very word social no longer means hanging out together in person: it means facebooking and tweeting on our phones.

Here are some things people use to lay claim to nerdliness, but let's face it, we aren't all nerds:

 Nowadays, no major chain misses the opportunity to brand you when you leave the store with a nice shopping bag that identifies you, at least until you get home, as a happy customer of their empire. But what do these bags say about you?

Eva and Her Virgins

    A performance by Eva and Her Virgins is as evocative for the theatrical antics and energy of its band members as it is for the luster of its dark electronic pop sound. Playful, gritty, histrionic, and sexy, Eva and Her Virgins is a band that you want to keep your eye on.

    I was excited to chat with front woman Emily Powers about the band, where we also discuss time travel, superpowers, and using Beethoven’s body as a flotation device.

I'm not saying there's anything fundamentally wrong with a fanny pack. It seems very practical. It's a backpack for your butt (provided you are not using the British meaning of the word fanny). However, practicality aside, I just don't see a fanny pack as a major bonus to anything, especially if you happen to be a fan, of say, Kesha. Excuse me, I mean Ke$ha. Apparently the marketing geniuses behind Ke$ha's new VIP tour disagree, and they think it's exciting enough to help entice you into paying extra to be a Ke$ha "VIP" on her new tour, as evidenced by the actual promotional email ticketmaster sent out.

Interestingly, they note that this is a "new design!" as if people weren't sufficiently excited about the old design, but of course, the concept itself wasn't the problem....

SCENE: Ke$ha Marketing Headquarters. Team Meeting.

Ke$ha Marketing Analyst: "People aren't really excited about this whole fanny pack, thing. We're getting only a 7.8 percent response rate and that's all negative."

Ke$ha Marketing Intern: "I have to agree. People are making fun of it on the blogs and talking about how disappointing it is."

Ke$ha Marketing Director: "I guess we should redesign the fanny packs, then."

Ke$ha Marketing Analyst: "That's not really what I meant--"

Ke$ha Marketing Director: "Okay folks, that's a wrap. Any other business?"

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 Poetry month on NPR: doesn't it seem like the correspondents are... too excited? And now they are throwing twitter into the mix. Why? Is it the only way to get people to pay attention to poetry? Is that our attention span? Or is it more insidious than that: are they trying to be cute?

Comic Text

She specifically requested a gossipy roommate on her freshman housing application form

     I have a piece of sobering news for pimple-faced adolescent boys inundated with movies (porn), magazines (porn), and television shows (porn) that titillate with images of collegiate girl-on-girl action. Turns out those college girls may actually be *studying* instead of getting it on with each other. Studying something decidedly unsexy like Entomology or 19th Century Victorian Literature. At least, this is according to the New York Times, which recently published the results of a study suggesting that women with bachelor's degrees were actually less likely to have had a same-sex experience than those who did not finish high school.

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 No, I'm not saying it's Palin's fault, obviously, but she got what she wanted by inciting violence. Her message was clearly one of violence and someone listened. Sure, you could say, it was a crazy guy, but shouldn't you consider that crazy people listen to you when you spread your message to millions?

I think it's number 2 that's really turned me into a Scrooge:

1. The fact that "this season" now starts in mid october and lasts until mid-january, forcing you to endure "holiday cheer" whether you like it or not for a full 1/4 of the year.
2. Watching a holiday which came into existence specifically to celebrate the humble birth of a religious figure morph into a season-long frenzy of unfettered decadence.
3. The fact that everyone suddenly becomes an aficionado of crappy music. NPR even has "experts" come on the radio to tell us stories of christmas carols that never made it as part of the cannon. That's right, a whole special on songs that aren't good enough to be part of the annoying set of songs we hear every year, at this time. (Okay, I'll be honest, hearing about "The Fruitcake that Ate New Jersey" was kinda funny.)
4. Even the television is stacked against us: TV "marathons" of the "best ever" Star Trek episodes? Just once I want them to show the worst episodes.
5. Kwanza jokes. Okay, seriously, if you still don't know what Kwanza is, it's because you don't care. Not caring is fine, but if that's the case, I don't actually see what the joke is: "I don't know what Kwanza is. Of course, I've never bothered to type it into google, but still, isn't it funny that I don't know. Ha ha!"
6. Having to listen to "Christmas persecution" nonsense. As if being asked to acknowledge that religions besides Christianity exist, and that Christmas is not the only holiday that people celebrate this time of year is somehow threatening to Christianity. (Of course, it doesn't help when the American Atheists, self-declared agents of "reason", put up billboards implying that people who believe in Christmas are stupid. Thank you, atheist.org, for teaching us what humanism is all about.)
7. The obligations and guilt. Er, I mean, I can't wait to see my family!
8. The need to prove what a wild and crazy NYE you can have.
9. Trying to make everything work out just right: travel arrangements so you can see everyone, top ten lists with exactly ten items. Know what I mean?
10. Top ten lists. Why does everyone feel the need to make top ten lists this time of year?

If you haven't been watching The A-List: New York on the gay-centric Logo channel these past two months, your life has had a Prada-shaped meteoric-sized hole. This gem of a reality show is so deliciously bitchy, it puts the Real Housewives to shame. The A-List follows five gay boys who claim to comprise the creme de la creme of New York's "fabulous people", their relationships, hook-ups, party disasters, and catfights. Watching this show is a sad reminder that no matter what demographic you are in, someone, somewhere, has created a Jersey Shore just for you. For those of you who need a recap, allow me to break it down.

 Scientists from the University of South Florida today released a new study in the Journal of Cardiovascular Fitness with controversial findings. Among other things, it stated, "Despite the recent release of new shoes designed to help you get fit, it is actually possible to receive the benefits of exercise with ordinary shoes. In fact, our preliminary data suggests you might be able to get in shape barefoot."

We spoke with Doctor Mary Rosen who lead the team. "We were actually pretty surprised at these results. Everyone in the office has a pair of Fit-Flops, or [Reebok] easy tones and you can bounce a quarter off my ass. Seriously: a quarter. Just try it..." As Doctor Rosen started bouncing random objects in her office off her buttocks, we were interrupted by her Post Doc.

"Ah, this is Doctor Hao. She's got an even tighter ass than me, and she's 47. Seriously, 47 -- though you wouldn't know it from that ass of hers. Dr. Hao, show our guest your rear," As Dr. Hao excitedly turned around and removed her lab coat, Dr. Rosen continued. "We used to assume that derriere of hers was purely the result of her footwear, but our new data suggests her fancy shoes may have been only part of it."

Next, Dr Rosen showed me Natalia. "Natalia was in our control group. Can you believe it? These legs aren't from fancy shoes at all! We're looking to see if genetics played a part, of course, but that's for another study..."

When asked how this new data might impact daily health, exercise and gym routines, Dr Rosen laughed saying, "The gym? What for? According to this sketchers shape-ups ad, you don't need to go to the gym. And who cares about your health when you've got an ass like this?"

UPDATED BELOW

Its halloween! And I'm sure the first thing you think of when you think of halloween is voting, right? No? Well, perfect, that's why the smart folks at Chicktellectual.com have asked me to do a voter guide.

I’ll be covering statewide offices and ballot questions, but the state board of elections makes the complete ballot available, as well as info about where to vote.

We've previously written about the new, controversial types of airport scanners. One of the important policy decisions about these scanners is that you have the right to refuse being scanned, and instead accept a, possibly enhanced, pat down.

There is a Primary on Tuesday September 14th, and frankly I could understand if you did not want to take the time to figure out who deserves your vote. I hate clichés like, “the lesser of two evils,” but in this state’s politics it is a hard one to avoid. Although, sometimes even calling these folks evil is giving them too much credit. While I am a lefty, I have discovered that in this City, just going with the person who sounds the most liberal can cause you to vote for some real SOBs.

The good news is that there are not a lot of races.

-You are right, Mr Sarkozy. They are ugly. Shall I begin the ethnic cleansing operation now?

-No, France is not quite ready just yet. Let's just deport them.

 If this were happening anywhere else in the world, with any other ethic group (well, almost any other ethnic group) western Europe would surely snub its nose. But this week, in France, hundreds upon hundreds of Roma immigrants, (known, in English, as Gypsies) were expelled from France. The Government of Nicolas Sarkozy says they were in the country illegally, arguing that by EU law they can be evicted if they are there more than three months and have no job and create a burden or are there less than three months and represent a "threat to public safety".

The pope, French churches, a UN committee and even several ministers in Mr Sarkozy’s own government have voiced opposition to no avail. France is dealing with them much as some small towns deal with the homeless, only instead of buying them a bus ticket, he sends them off to wherever they came from (presumably eastern Europe) with three hundred euros and claims that many are leaving of their own free will, by which he means that they are leaving of their own free will now to avoid leaving by force later.