Nowadays, no major chain misses the opportunity to brand you when you leave the store with a nice shopping bag that identifies you, at least until you get home, as a happy customer of their empire. But what do these bags say about you?

I'm not saying there's anything fundamentally wrong with a fanny pack. It seems very practical. It's a backpack for your butt (provided you are not using the British meaning of the word fanny). However, practicality aside, I just don't see a fanny pack as a major bonus to anything, especially if you happen to be a fan, of say, Kesha. Excuse me, I mean Ke$ha. Apparently the marketing geniuses behind Ke$ha's new VIP tour disagree, and they think it's exciting enough to help entice you into paying extra to be a Ke$ha "VIP" on her new tour, as evidenced by the actual promotional email ticketmaster sent out.

Interestingly, they note that this is a "new design!" as if people weren't sufficiently excited about the old design, but of course, the concept itself wasn't the problem....

SCENE: Ke$ha Marketing Headquarters. Team Meeting.

Ke$ha Marketing Analyst: "People aren't really excited about this whole fanny pack, thing. We're getting only a 7.8 percent response rate and that's all negative."

Ke$ha Marketing Intern: "I have to agree. People are making fun of it on the blogs and talking about how disappointing it is."

Ke$ha Marketing Director: "I guess we should redesign the fanny packs, then."

Ke$ha Marketing Analyst: "That's not really what I meant--"

Ke$ha Marketing Director: "Okay folks, that's a wrap. Any other business?"

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 Poetry month on NPR: doesn't it seem like the correspondents are... too excited? And now they are throwing twitter into the mix. Why? Is it the only way to get people to pay attention to poetry? Is that our attention span? Or is it more insidious than that: are they trying to be cute?

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On Friday, I received a mysterious email invite to the "Lost Horizon Night Market". I would have to sign up to find out, on the day of, where it would take place, and, while I could invite friends, I was not to publish the event on social networking sites, news outlets or blogs. As I soon found out, Lost Horizon was more of a carnival for hipsters than a market. Unmarked trucks, each with a unique theme, lined the streets of what turned out to be an industrial section of Greenpoint Brooklyn.

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 No, I'm not saying it's Palin's fault, obviously, but she got what she wanted by inciting violence. Her message was clearly one of violence and someone listened. Sure, you could say, it was a crazy guy, but shouldn't you consider that crazy people listen to you when you spread your message to millions?

 We just received a special announcement from Kashi, makers of cereal, snack bars, frozen dinners and other food with a health, planet, and "lifestyle" conscious vibe. They have a new branding campaign for their "Good Friends" high fiber cereal: they are putting you on the box! Just what do they hope to accomplish? Aside from slimming that waste-line, with lots of high-fiber goodness, their new cereal box also promises to trim that white liberal guilt away in no time!

I think it's number 2 that's really turned me into a Scrooge:

1. The fact that "this season" now starts in mid october and lasts until mid-january, forcing you to endure "holiday cheer" whether you like it or not for a full 1/4 of the year.
2. Watching a holiday which came into existence specifically to celebrate the humble birth of a religious figure morph into a season-long frenzy of unfettered decadence.
3. The fact that everyone suddenly becomes an aficionado of crappy music. NPR even has "experts" come on the radio to tell us stories of christmas carols that never made it as part of the cannon. That's right, a whole special on songs that aren't good enough to be part of the annoying set of songs we hear every year, at this time. (Okay, I'll be honest, hearing about "The Fruitcake that Ate New Jersey" was kinda funny.)
4. Even the television is stacked against us: TV "marathons" of the "best ever" Star Trek episodes? Just once I want them to show the worst episodes.
5. Kwanza jokes. Okay, seriously, if you still don't know what Kwanza is, it's because you don't care. Not caring is fine, but if that's the case, I don't actually see what the joke is: "I don't know what Kwanza is. Of course, I've never bothered to type it into google, but still, isn't it funny that I don't know. Ha ha!"
6. Having to listen to "Christmas persecution" nonsense. As if being asked to acknowledge that religions besides Christianity exist, and that Christmas is not the only holiday that people celebrate this time of year is somehow threatening to Christianity. (Of course, it doesn't help when the American Atheists, self-declared agents of "reason", put up billboards implying that people who believe in Christmas are stupid. Thank you, atheist.org, for teaching us what humanism is all about.)
7. The obligations and guilt. Er, I mean, I can't wait to see my family!
8. The need to prove what a wild and crazy NYE you can have.
9. Trying to make everything work out just right: travel arrangements so you can see everyone, top ten lists with exactly ten items. Know what I mean?
10. Top ten lists. Why does everyone feel the need to make top ten lists this time of year?

 Scientists from the University of South Florida today released a new study in the Journal of Cardiovascular Fitness with controversial findings. Among other things, it stated, "Despite the recent release of new shoes designed to help you get fit, it is actually possible to receive the benefits of exercise with ordinary shoes. In fact, our preliminary data suggests you might be able to get in shape barefoot."

We spoke with Doctor Mary Rosen who lead the team. "We were actually pretty surprised at these results. Everyone in the office has a pair of Fit-Flops, or [Reebok] easy tones and you can bounce a quarter off my ass. Seriously: a quarter. Just try it..." As Doctor Rosen started bouncing random objects in her office off her buttocks, we were interrupted by her Post Doc.

"Ah, this is Doctor Hao. She's got an even tighter ass than me, and she's 47. Seriously, 47 -- though you wouldn't know it from that ass of hers. Dr. Hao, show our guest your rear," As Dr. Hao excitedly turned around and removed her lab coat, Dr. Rosen continued. "We used to assume that derriere of hers was purely the result of her footwear, but our new data suggests her fancy shoes may have been only part of it."

Next, Dr Rosen showed me Natalia. "Natalia was in our control group. Can you believe it? These legs aren't from fancy shoes at all! We're looking to see if genetics played a part, of course, but that's for another study..."

When asked how this new data might impact daily health, exercise and gym routines, Dr Rosen laughed saying, "The gym? What for? According to this sketchers shape-ups ad, you don't need to go to the gym. And who cares about your health when you've got an ass like this?"

 When I decided to get a tattoo (not yet acquired) I searched for artists to convey that je ne sais quoi that I was after. Kelly Haigh pretty much fit the bill perfectly, so I have been mulling over her paintings lately. Naturally, I was delighted today to find some of her works on a clever little metel wallet and other chotchkies at Flirt in Brooklyn today, so I snatched one up. The photo does not do it justice.

 Behind that is the Acme Made Bowler handbag made especially for SLR Cameras. The description says "For Ladies", LoL! I put seven little spikes on it today. I bought those spikes years ago at Trash and Vaudeville (I think). Finally putting them to good use!

We've previously written about the new, controversial types of airport scanners. One of the important policy decisions about these scanners is that you have the right to refuse being scanned, and instead accept a, possibly enhanced, pat down.

-You are right, Mr Sarkozy. They are ugly. Shall I begin the ethnic cleansing operation now?

-No, France is not quite ready just yet. Let's just deport them.

 If this were happening anywhere else in the world, with any other ethic group (well, almost any other ethnic group) western Europe would surely snub its nose. But this week, in France, hundreds upon hundreds of Roma immigrants, (known, in English, as Gypsies) were expelled from France. The Government of Nicolas Sarkozy says they were in the country illegally, arguing that by EU law they can be evicted if they are there more than three months and have no job and create a burden or are there less than three months and represent a "threat to public safety".

The pope, French churches, a UN committee and even several ministers in Mr Sarkozy’s own government have voiced opposition to no avail. France is dealing with them much as some small towns deal with the homeless, only instead of buying them a bus ticket, he sends them off to wherever they came from (presumably eastern Europe) with three hundred euros and claims that many are leaving of their own free will, by which he means that they are leaving of their own free will now to avoid leaving by force later.

Dear Mayor Michael Bloomberg,

You didn't have to speak out in defense of the mosque, but you did. Not only was this the right message for non-Muslims to hear, that we must extend the same freedoms to others that we wish to have extended to ourselves, but it is also the right message to send to the Muslim world: that we are not as intolerant and hateful as we seem.

There are extremists out there who call themselves Muslim that want us to be hateful and spiteful towards Muslims. Who want you to reject the Mosque. By painting the US as intolerant of Islam they are able to gain new recruits willing to commit acts of suicidal terror. But when you defended the Mosque, you sent a clear message of tolerance and openness. You made it that much harder for terrorists to recruit and for the hate to multiply. By defending the Mosque, you defended our country against terrorism.

It takes bravery to break this cycle of hate. Thank you for being brave.

bjorn

Correction: it seems that the "Mosque" is actually a community center. There is a small Mosque about four blocks from ground zero that's been there for years that has no association with the current controversy.

 Moma's PS1 currently has a display on view called "Pole Dance" which is the work of the architectural firm Solid Objectives, winner of the eleventh annual MoMA/MoMA PS1Young Architects Program. The project is an interactive environment of sand and pebbles along with, among other things, poles that hold up a netting which is used for holding yoga balls. While it was hard for me to see how this work addressed the program's current goal of "focus[ing] on designs which address sustainability, recycling, and reuse", it was kinda neat. I can't say I really appreciated the sound design, which was a bit shrill and distorted and therefore rather unpleasant despite not being terribly loud. Had it not felt like an afterthought I might have given it a break, but considering it was nothing more than a sensor on each pole triggering independent sounds, those sounds should have at least been pleasant and playful, like the rest of the exhibit.

What really took the day, though, was having the chance to see Kyra Johannesen and some of her other pole dancing super stars actually perform a dance routine on the poles. Sadly that was not part of the regular exhibit, and just a one-time thing, but I managed to snap a few photos.

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Friends don't let friends fly naked.
(Unless they are trying to make a buck)

 There's been a lot of controversy over the new "full body scanners" going in at airports across the country because they reveal a ghostly image of your naked body to the someone, in a different room. Even the american association for nude recreation has had their say. Not too long ago, a fight broke out between security officials because one walked through the scanner and the other saw enough to make fun of him. Whether they even work is another question, but clearly, these images are pretty revealing, no? How revealing? And do we need to protect ourselves from having these images seen or posted on the internet?

 Well, of course, there's a facebook group for everything. May they have the answer? Their mantra, in all caps, is this: "SCRAP THE CHILD PORN LAW VIOLATING, HUMAN RIGHTS ABUSING, CANCER-CAUSING, ELECTRONIC STRIP SEARCH AIRPORT SCANNERS!" Interestingly, those under 18 aren't allowed through these scanners in the UK, so they may have a point there. I haven't seen any evidence that the radiation exposure is worse than existing scanners (which also use x-rays) but you are allowed to request a pat-down. But it's really the super freaky image they use that group scares me, so I won't be looking there for answers...

 Of course, whatever side you are on, there is always an an intrepid entrepreneur with the answer. In this case the answer is in the form of pasties! Flying pasties! Pieces of Rubber you stick in your clothes to protect your "dignity"!

But don't carry it twice.

 Isn't it convenient when you find one shred of evidence -- however small -- to support your beliefs? It's even better when you can distort it using questionable or downright bad math so that it seems more supportive than it is. That's what Rich Karlgaard just did in his recent blog entry, The Millionaire Cop Next Door, where he argues that government workers, like cops, firefighters, teachers (yes, teachers) and other hardworking Americans are the fastest growing class of millionaires, simply because they work for the government. No that's not a misprint, he's calling them millionaires. Not long ago, these folks were the heroes of the right. These were the hardworking Americans -- the "real" Americans -- who helped keep the fabric of our country together. Remember their heroic efforts on 9/11? I guess not.