It was a few years ago when I was the editor of a women's pop culture website that I started writing about perfume on my blog, YesterdaysPerfume.com. Trying to be discreet in the middle of an open office, I'd pop open a tiny one-milliliter vial of the decanted perfume du jour and dab it on my wrist with its plastic wand. Then, in a ritual that has become as common as having a meal or reading a book, I'd lift my wrist to my nose, close my eyes, and sniff, like a deranged junky getting her fix.
Cressida Bonas (BEST NAME EVER), the reported girlfriend of Super Ginger and ice trekker Prince Harry, basically caused a major kerfuffle when she dared to step out last week carrying a book called Why Love Matters causing some people to of freak out about it. Because OBVIOUSLY this is a secret message to Prince Harry, you guise! People don't just read books about things. No! This is all about "sending a secret message," duh! Love 'matters,' Harry! Quit running around in the snow AND LET ME LOVE YOU.
The first three Army women, Pfc. Melissa Czarnogursky, Pvt. Anika Degraff and Pvt. Larissa Schwerin have joined the 41st Fires Brigade, based at Fort Hood, Texas as fire directions specialists. Yeah, it's kind of a big deal.
OK stop screaming and freaking out at the computer screen right now. I know everyone is super excited about the idea of getting their hands on underwear inspired by the greatest mass assembly of printed words ever, but let's keep cool heads here for a moment.
[DALLAS, TX - DECEMBER 06: Icicles form on a barricade in front of the Dallas skyline on December 6, 2013 in Dallas, Texas. The ice storm that has hit North Texas has left over 250,000 residents and businesses without power and has led to more than 1,700 flight delays and cancellations across the country. (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)]
Alright everyone! You can officially start unpacking your mangled, balled up Christmas tree lights (which we all know what the correct color should be) and get the inflatable Frosty The Snowman set up in the front yard. Bust out the eggnog and start coming up with excuses for why your unemployed cousins can't stay with you when they come visit this year because the holiday season is officially upon us.
This is what we talk about when we talk about corrupt Greek life. Last week, Northwestern University's school paper The Daily Northwestern published an extensive look into the history of hazing at the college, prompted by a long-term investigation of the fraternity Phi Delta Theta for events that have occurred over the past few years. Though details of the potential punishment for the frat have been sealed, Phi Delt brothers are happy enough with it that they've taken to social media to celebrate dodging a bullet after their history of sexist and violent behavior.
The competitive element of Prince Harry's trek to the South Pole is cancelled, with organizers citing "a higher degree of stress" than expected as the reason. All parties will continue the journey together, travelling and making camp together. They'll likely finish the journey within a week.
My name is Miss Sonia i saw your profile today on (freedating.co.uk) and became interested in you. l will also like to know you the more and l want you to send an email to my email address so l can give you my picture for you to know whom l am
The Grammy nominations were announced last night via an ancient Illuminati ritual a concert. Jay Z leads the pack with nine nominations, including those for Best Rap Song and Best Rap Album. Kendrick Lamar, Justin Timberlake, Daft Punk, Lorde and Taylor Swift (TAY TAY SHINES, Y'ALL!) also really cleaned up:
OK, guys. Here it is. I know a lot of you have been curious about what foods I love. I didn't pick obvious things (I mean, you know I love bacon, what the fuck would be the point in talking about it), or things I've already mentioned I love (with one exception that required some explanation, and also Peanut Sauce, because there was no way I was making this list without Peanut Sauce). This is far from a complete list, but it should serve to illustrate to the "you only love chicken nuggets and pizza, HUR HUR HUR" crowd how fucking stupid they are.
Red Snapper — The first person who can explain to me why fucking bullshit Cod is a staple food and Red Snapper, aka The Most Delicious Goddamn Fish in the Universe, is not will win the award for Keeper of the Universe's Most Intricate Mysteries. Seriously, Cod?! Fucking COD?! Don't even say Fish and Chips, Fish and Chips is better when you use LITERALLY ANY OTHER FISH other than Cod. Fucking Cod.
Anyway, I was a weird kid (I KNOW, YOU'RE SHOCKED) because while I was incredibly picky about things like tomatos and onions (I've come around on the latter, but the former can die in a fire), I always loved the shit out of seafood. You know the little kids who won't eat anything but pizza and chicken nuggets? I was the little kid who wouldn't eat anything but Shrimp Cocktails and Red Snapper (and basically any seafood). Ok, and pretty much all meat. And Broccoli, for some reason. And Japanese and Chinese and Thai food in general — alright, you know what? Maybe I wasn't actually all that picky as a little kid.
Kale — I'm honestly surprised by the Kale hatred present in the comments for these articles. Did Kale run over your dog with its car when you were a kid, people? Because otherwise, what is there to dislike about this vegetable? It's goddamn delicious, like a version of spinach that doesn't magically become vomit-flavored when you cook it. By the way, I didn't grow up with Kale; I was 26 before I had it for the first time, so you can't use that as an excuse. I just love the stuff.
Ostrich Steak — If I were to tell you that there exists a creature whose steak tastes like the best Filet Mignon ever, only somehow better, and then ask you to guess which animal I'm talking about, how far down the list would "Ostrich" be? I have it ranked near the bottom, just below Platypus and just above Madagascar Hissing Cockroach. Ostriches are one of the stupidest-looking and (seemingly) most-pointless creatures on the planet; a giant freaking bird that can't fly and looks like something out of a cartoonist's acid dream. Apparently, their purpose is to make delicious steak. Who knew?
Calf's Liver — Yeah, I know. This is fancy people food. If I'd never eaten it at a restaurant where I worked, I likely would've just assumed all liver was like Chopped Liver (aka edible suffering). I'm still uncomfortable actually enjoying something rich people talk about. Let's just move on.
Octopus — Best in Tako form. Yes, I'm aware it's a tentacle. It's a MOTHERFUCKING DELICIOUS TENTACLE. I will eat ALL THE TENTACLES. None FOR YOU. And then I will SUMMON CTHULU IN MY STOMACH. It is possible I DIDN'T ENTIRELY THINK THIS THROUGH.
Yellowtail Sashimi — If you ever see the headline "Pittsburgher Arrested After Defeating/Killing Great Siberian Tiger With Bare Hands," that's me, and it was part of a fight over a piece of Yellowtail Sashimi.
California Omelette — No. I know what you're thinking, and no. The image you've got in your head is not a California Omelette. If it has peppers in it, it isn't a fucking California Omelette, it is a crime against food. A real California Omelette has three things, and three things only: avocado, bacon, and sour cream. That's it. Oh, you're a vegetarian, but you want to enjoy a California Omelette? TOO FUCKING BAD BECAUSE IT'S NOT A CALIFORNIA OMELETTE, STOP CALLING IT THAT, ALTHOUGH YOU CERTAINLY HAVE A RIGHT TO ENJOY THE NON-MEAT VERSION AND CALL IT SOMETHING ELSE BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY AVOCADOS ARE FUCKING AWESOME AND EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS VIS A VIS THEIR PERSONAL CULINARY JOURNEY. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT.
Peanut Sauce — I think Peanut Sauce may actually be magical, like something Gandalf would create if Gandalf wasn't fucking incompetent (shut up, yes he is, his powers consist of talking to butterflies, using a scary voice around short people, and owning a flashlight). I am convinced that there is literally no food in existence that would not be improved by the addition of Peanut Sauce. Peanut Sauce is how the universe tells us it loves us. Just wait, though, I'm sure some dipshit facebook commenter will go off about how I'm being offensive to people with peanut allergies.
THEY KNOW WHAT THEY DID TO DESERVE IT.
Anchovies — I'm still mad at Ninja Turtles for lying to me as a kid; Anchovies on pizza are fucking bananas, and Anchovies on anything else are, if possible, even MORE bananas. Anchovies have no right to be as delicious as they are. You're basically eating an entire tiny fish in one go, a sentence which sounded horrifying in my head and looks even worse written down. And yet, I could eat the little fuckers all day (and then probably have severe digestive issues all night). Go figure.
Quinoa — Quinoa and Kale are Exhibits 1 and 1a on the list of "Foods That it Makes Absolutely No Sense For Me to Like Because They Are Healthy And Do Not Involve Bacon, Yet I Do Anyway." Look, I'm just as confused as you are — by all rights, I should hate this food, and yet I don't. I love the fuck out of it. My girlfriend constantly forgets that I actually love Quinoa and always asks if I'm willing to eat it if she makes some. Of course I'm fucking willing to eat it, that's like asking me if I want free beer or if I enjoy a day of not having to go outside at all for any reason. The first time I tried Quinoa (at age 27), I remember explicitly thinking "wait, why the fuck have I been eating Rice all my life?" I mean, Rice isn't BAD or anything (it's just kind of there), but it's not Quinoa.
And here's one entry that should not exist, just to keep everyone on their toes (again, this is a thing that should NOT exist):
Clamato — WHAT. WHAT. WHAT IS THIS MADNESS.
The first time I saw this in the grocery store, I didn't believe it was real. It couldn't be real. This seemed like someone had designed Cruel and Unusual Punishment in juice form. I was sure it was somehow April Fools Day in September and no one had told me. This shit is so horrifying that for the first time, I'm breaking my "cannot use anything I haven't actually tasted" rule, because seriously? Clamato Juice? If I don't need to drink the stuff I find under the sink to know that doing so is a terrible idea, the same applies to Clamato.
There is no amount of money I would not give to have been in the original marketing meeting for Clamato Juice. I would give up 10 years off the end of my life for this. I'm not even kidding. Was this pitched as a joke, only the Mott's executives were so coked out that they thought it was a genius idea? Did The Lone Rangers put its creation on their list of hostage demands (because compared to this, naked pictures of Bea Arthur and a football helmet full of cottage cheese seem pretty sane by comparison)? I'm going to go Google this shit because I need to know these things, hold on.
I just looked it up and apparently this was originally invented in Canada in 1969, then the idea was stolen by Americans (because of course it was). I'm choosing to believe this was a deliberate (and, frankly, brilliant) con job on Canada's part, because they know that white Americans will fucking steal ANY idea (and pay for any shitty product, no matter how mindfuckingly stupid it may seem), and they were still pissed about the War of 1812. Basically, well fucking done, Canada. My hat is off to you. You have won the day.
In this month's issue of Glamour, Rashida Jones penned a defense of her tweets telling female celebrities to "#stopactinglikewhores." Despite Rashida's defense that she's a feminist, see, and that's why what she said was ok, her words were anything but ok.
Kelly Clarkson is having a rough first trimester. She told Ellen Degeneres that she vomits "a good dozen times a day." She just vomits and vomits like a firehose. She's probably vomiting right now. Kelly Clarkson is tired of vomiting. WHY WON'T VOMITING LEAVE KELLY CLARKSON ALONE.
In today's Tweet Beat, John Stamos remembers the old days, Laura Benanti is as cool as you thought and Zach Braff is just trolling.
Cats and dogs are gendered in contemporary American culture, such that dogs are thought to be the proper pet for men and cats for women (especially lesbians). This, it turns out, is an old stereotype. In fact, cats were a common symbol in suffragette imagery. Cats represented the domestic sphere, and anti-suffrage postcards often used them to reference female activists. The intent was to portray suffragettes as silly, infantile, incompetent, and ill-suited to political engagement.
Fast food workers in 100 cities went on strike yesterday, agitating for a $15 minimum wage and the right to unionize. It's the latest move in a series of protests that have grown and gained momentum over the past year—a brave, necessary, and unequivocal clarion call for the dignity and humanity of America's low-wage workers. More importantly, though, it's also a plum opportunity to remind fat people how gross they are! (JK, fat people don't eat plums!!!!!)
A woman will often be called pushy for the same thing a man would be called persuasive for. Or she'll get called a bitch when he gets called a boss. We know this, but it's very rare that we see the double standard so plainly called out in a nationally syndicated commercial. Of course, now that that very commercial is actually airing, it's only showing in the Philippines and it's being used to sell hair products, but still — this Pantene Philippines commercial is pretty cool stuff.
British celebrity cook Nigella Lawson walks — nay, glides — like a goddamn empress into court in the UK today for the fraud trial of two ex-employees, giving zero fucks and looking fantastic. Team Nigella.