As is probably stated somewhere in the theory of infinity, if you give an infinite amount of monkeys an infinite number of old-timey Polaroid cameras, one will eventually take "artistic" blurry photos of historical sites in Moscow which will then be auctioned at Sotheby's for an estimated $75,000 - $100,000.

Fortunately for every simian art fan with a spare $100k, we are currently living in the very universe in which that concept is reality. Eighteen photographs by — and of — Mikki The Chimpanzee are going to auction on June 5. According to Hyperallergic:

They include both Mikki’s clarity-challenged captures of Moscow’s Red Square and other city sights, as well as documentation of Mikki learning to use a polaroid, analogue, and antique large-format camera with Russian-born American conceptual artists Vitaly Komar and Alexander Melamid.

Mikki, who was rescued from the circus by Komar and Melamid, is a visionary monkey. According to Suad Garayeva, the curator of contemporary art at Sotheby’s, he does actually understand what the hell is going on. As a matter of fact, after seeing his prints he “got quite excited with the results" and probably starting jumping around and hooting in a typical monkey fashion.

Let's examine some of Mikki's photographs and try to discern the meaning of each:

This one seems to be statement about the alienation of the mammalian soul, a sort of post-modern rehashing Nabokov's parable, in the epilogue of Lolita, about a captive ape "who, after months of coaxing by a scientist, produced the first drawing ever charcoaled by an animal: this sketch showed the bars of the poor creature's cage.” Only, here, the cage bars are civilization itself. Damn.

This one is pretty clearly an interrogation of religion and the state. With his dislocated framing and unfocused approach, the chimp has turned one of the most recognizable religious symbols in human history into a fuzzy abstraction. Haunting.

In this one he is likely saying, "I'm a monkey and I don't know how to operate a camera." Genius.

Please feel free to share your interpretations with us.

"Chimpanzee's Polaroids Expected To Fetch Big Money At Auction" [Hyperallergic]
Photographs from Vitaly Komar and Alexander Melamid’s “Our Moscow Through the Eyes of Mikki” via Sotheby's.

La Toya Jackson's show, Life with La Toya on OWN, is pretty formulaic as far as contrived situations and lightly-scripted dialogue goes on this type of "reality" show. (For example, one premise is that La Toya is interested in adopting a child, so she's been "practicing" parenting by babysitting, in the hopes that hilarity will ensue.) But there are moments on the show where her true La Toya-ness shine through and make it all worth it, like how she thinks that somebody would actually name a little girl "Enormous."

No seriously, does that come with fries on the side?

[Tatler]

Tobias Fünke, the analrapist-turned-out-of-work-actor, famously suffers—along with dozens of others—from the syndrome known as "Never Nude" in which he has a crippling fear of being naked. He deals with that anxiety by wearing denim cut-offs at all times, even in the shower. However, it's not a condition unique to Arrested Development. There really are people in the world who are pathologically afraid of nudity—they suffer from gymnophobia.

Gymnophobics have an extreme anxiety about nudity that stems "from fear that they are physically inferior, or from a fear that their nakedness leaves them exposed and unprotected." Isn't that basically everybody, though?

"Most people are not 'never-nudes,'" Martin Antony, professor of psychology at Ryerson University in Toronto, tells MSNBC, "but they are 'not-usually-nudes.' A lot of people would feel somewhat self-conscious about being naked."

The difference is that gymnophobics' fear is irrational and can be life-defining. It also frequently accompanies other anxiety disorders and body image issues. So how is it treated?

[Experts] encourage exposure to the feared item in a safe, controlled way. If someone were afraid of being naked in front of a partner, Antony would recommend that the patient try wearing only underwear (cut-offs — Funke's cover-up of choice — are also acceptable) and work his or her way to full nudity.

Gymnophobics are real-life 'never-nudes' [MSNBC]

Gawker For Sale: A Video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Smoking Crack Cocaine | Lifehacker Remember the "Sometimes, Always, Never" Rule When Wearing a Suit Coat | Jalopnik The Ten Most Expensive Airline Tickets You Can Buy | Gizmodo How Much Would It Cost to Build the Starship Enterprise?

Labor groups urged massive clothing retailers including Gap and Wal-Mart to sign an international pact this week that would solidify safety standards and send a clear message that big brand names won't allow another easily preventable tragedy like last month's factory collapse in Bangladesh, which killed over 1,000 people, to happen again. Naturally, most U.S. companies that produce in Bangladesh refused to sign it.

By Wednesday, more than a dozen European retailers had signed the pact introduced by IndustriALL (a global federation of unions), including Benetton, Topshop, Zara and H&M. But Abercrombie & Fitch and PVH Corporation, the parent company of Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger, were the only U.S. companies that got on board; others said the language could get them into trouble.

Which, duh: that's exactly the point of an agreement that holds companies accountable. This five-year pact makes sure that retailers who source clothing from Bangladesh pay for independent inspections, mandatory building repairs/upgrades and training. It also requires companies to stop working with factories that refuse to comply with necessary upgrades, and ensures that workers and unions aren't left out of the process. If these companies care about worker's rights — as they so often claim they do — why won't they sign?

“It’s a smokescreen,” Scott Nova, executive director of the Workers Rights Consortium, told the Washington Post. “The agreement doesn’t create any additional legal liability. Companies only have to meet the terms of the agreement.”

“You have major British companies like Marks & Spencer and Tesco signing up, respected companies from a legal system that isn’t all that different from our own,” said Janice Bellace, a professor of legal studies and business ethics at the University of Pennsylvania. “It’s not clear why the U.S. companies think it will be so different.”

The problem isn't money, either; the agreement would probably cost companies about $3 billion over the next five years, Nova said, which is basically chump change for the companies refusing to commit. “In the context of the broader industry, that's a relatively small amount,” Nova said. “Bangladesh will export hundreds of billion of dollars worth of apparel in the next five years.”

Here are the major companies that didn't sign by Wednesday's deadline:

Wal-Mart

Wal-Mart Stores was under immense and rightful pressure to sign the pact, given that it's the largest retailer in the world and the second-largest clothing maker in Bangladesh after H&M; apparel had been produced for the company in the factory building that collapsed last month. But Wal-Mart refused to sign because the agreement “introduces requirements, including governance and dispute resolution mechanisms, on supply chain matters that are appropriately left to retailers, suppliers and government, and are unnecessary to achieve fire and safety goals.”

The company said Tuesday that it'll oversee its own public, "in-depth" safety inspections at the 270 Bangladesh factories it uses within six months. According to Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart's safety plan is even better than the IndustriALL proposal and "will get results more quickly." Well, if Wal-Mart says so, it must be true!

Gap

Gap, the world's third-largest apparel company, was also under pressure to sign, given its size and reputation of actually caring about social responsibility (unlike some other companies that rhyme with Schmal-Kart). The plan's supporters hoped that other retailers would agree to sign the plan if Gap did, too. But it didn't — and, in fact, "Gap has been the most vocal critic of the plan, saying it feared that joining would subject it to undue liability," according to the New York Times:

Gap sent a letter to employees at its headquarters on Wednesday, saying, “We take our commitment to improving working conditions in Bangladesh very seriously.” The letter said Gap had hired a fire inspector to examine the 78 factories it uses in Bangladesh and had promised up to $22 million in loans for factories to make safety improvements.

A Gap spokesperson said it was "six sentences" away from signing on Tuesday; it wanted to remove language on arbitration. But IndustriALL wouldn't give Gap special treatment, so Gap didn't sign.

J.C. Penney

The company told press that it was still evaluating the plan earlier in the week; it didn't end up signing.

Target

Didn't sign, didn't comment.

Sears

Sears didn't sign and is also going the "it's chill, we'll just police ourselves" route, according to USA Today:

Sears spokesman Howard Riefs said late Tuesday that the company will continue with discussions, but is not ready to sign the union plan. He says the company also is in preliminary talks about the retail trade groups' alternative.

Meanwhile, Sears, which also owns Kmart, "will continue to assess the overall risks in each factory in Bangladesh that produces our merchandise, with added scrutiny towards fire safety and building integrity," Riefs said in an e-mail. "Factories that cannot reach an acceptable level of compliance with the requirements of our Global Compliance program will be terminated."

Looks like we need a few more heartbreaking — and, again, very easily preventable — factory disasters to guilt the world's largest retailers into prioritizing their worker's lives over building new floors and producing cheap T-shirts.

[Sources: USA Today, New York Times, Washington Post]

Image via AP.

Do we like ear cuffs? I think I might like ear cuffs.

CANNES, FRANCE - MAY 16: (L-R) Actors Claire Julien, Taissa Farmiga, Katie Chang, Israel Broussard, Emma Watson and director Sofia Coppola attend 'The Bling Ring' premiere during The 66th Annual Cannes Film Festival at the Palais des Festivals on May 16, 2013 in Cannes, France. (Photo by Ian Gavan/Getty Images)

The rule of thumb in American culture is that anyone who is in the sex industry is captivating — such is the case with traditionally illicit pastimes — and the men and women who work in the industry are adored or derided, often with fervor. But with every fantasy comes reality, and photographers are continually trying to capture the reality of sex work.

Jonathan Harris is just the latest in a long line of photographers and filmmakers who have chosen people in the sex industry as their subjects. Harris has made an unconventional documentary following women who make lesbian porn in a project that, as described by T Magazine, "aims to break down stereotypes and misconceptions around lesbian-identified porn by turning the camera away from these actresses sex-fueled day jobs, and toward the quotidian lives of these women."

On his website, Harris said he believes that porn is "the elephant in the room of the Internet":

"With a prescient sense of what we really want, porn taps into what is just below the surface — what is not yet accepted by mainstream society, yet what is in us anyway — percolating, potent, and primal. In this way, porn is a predictor of culture. The willingness of porn stars to open their lives to an anonymous public foreshadows broader cultural shifts around privacy, authenticity, sexuality, and self-promotion, where the lines between life and work are increasingly blurry."

Harris is not alone in his interest in the authenticity of sex work; here are a few other projects that have attempted to show the real people that lie beyond the boundary of what they do:

1. Pornstars Without Makeup

Makeup artist Melissa Murphy regularly uploads photos of the women she works on before and after their sexy transformations to her Instagram account. A big photoset of them went viral on reddit a couple months ago with only the phrase "What our minds are being conditioned to be attracted to" describing them.

2. Off the set: porn stars and their partners

Three years ago, photography team Paulie and Pauline took it upon themselves to document people in porn when they're at home, with their significant others:

"...given the nature of their work, many of us assume that all porn stars must be jaded, emotionally detached individuals who live in a hedonistic blur, void of any real intimate relationships.

When we began photographing couples in the porn industry, we found that to a large extent the opposite was true. Far from being incapable of intimacy, the people we met thrived on the strength of their personal relationships."

3. Nevada Rose: Inside the American Brothel

In 2011, Marc McAndrews published a book of photos he took at a few of the only truly legal brothels in the United States. In an essay about how he began the project, McAndrews admits to some preconceptions before beginning the project:

"I had heard the Nevada brothels existed, but going to one hadn’t ever really crossed my mind. I was never a big fan of strip clubs; they felt desperate and depressing to me. The ones I had been to were rooms full of drunken men, yelling at the sight of a nipple, desperately throwing money at women who had no intention of sleeping with them. And prostitution? Well, I had always thought of it in terms of what one used to see on the seamier streets in NY or roaming the casinos in Vegas. The legal, sanctioned, and regulated sale of sex never showed up on my mental radar."

4. XXX: 30 Porn Star Portraits

In 2004, Timothy Greenfield-Sanders, who has photographed some of the most famous people in the world, took it upon himself to release a book with images of porn stars; each open page featured one clothed and one nude photo of the individual. The book also included essays by people like John Malkovich, Salman Rushdie, and John Waters, and an HBO documentary was released as well. Greenfield-Sanders explained to Salon that he just sort of happened upon the project:

"... as I met more porn stars I realized how interesting, how diverse and how exceptional they were.

I don’t know if I can change people’s minds, but I would like to create a dialogue about the subject and these people — about porn stars — and what they do, and about sex."

5. Women

In her book 2000 book Women, Annie Leibovitz photographed women of all kinds – including Vegas showgirls. The distinction between these women, who I would have classified as dancers originally, is laid out in a New Yorker article about her photos:

"They call themselves 'showgirls,' which means that, unlike 'dancers,' they perform topless. In exchange, they get flashier costumes, greater prominence in the show, and an extra fifty dollars a week."

The way Leibovitz photographed these women – "Before and After", both in their sexualized costumes and in their everyday clothes – is strikingly similar to the way these other photographers have approached the sex industry in recent years, though their jobs lie on the periphery of that trade. In the book, Leibovitz includes full descriptions of who they are, like the woman above, Akke Alma: "She lived for seven years in Paris, where she performed at the Crazy Horse nightclub. In 1995 she moved to the United States and became a showgirl at the Stardust Casino in Las Vegas. She speaks five languages and studies civil and corporate law."

Ben Affleck will host the season finale of Saturday Night Live, with musical guest Kanye West. Is Kanye West really good at keeping a straight face and pretending to be bored and unamused, or is Kanye West truly bored and unamused, or is Kanye West thinking of more awesome baby names along the lines of Northbynorth? Something to contemplate.

[MissInfo]

A U.S. Army sexual harassment and assault response program manager was arrested for stalking. At this point, surely there has to be an awful trend piece in the works.

This commercial uses scantily-clad ladies and bone-crunching sound effects to encourage you to visit the shadiest of all shady shadesters: a chiropractor.

Ryan Lee of Ryan Lee Chiropractic Center in Los Angeles wants you to come to him whilst wearing short shorts so he can potentially break your back. The hard to watch manhandling is obviously meant to juxtapose his tagline — "Gentle. Comfortable. Professional" — and it's working. I don't want to keep watching but I can't turn away — it's almost as horrifying/satisfying as a good cyst popping video! I hate myself!

[via AdWeek]

In a move that would make Principal Belding look competent, a high school in San Diego suspended 31 students for shooting a video where ladies violently shake their asses while dudes crouch next to them and look awkward. Then, a bunch of parents got super upset about it and took it to the school board to twerk it out.

So, after the suspension, parents and students were upset. Very upset. Basically, they were all, "What is this? The school in Footloose?," and took their complaints to the San Diego Unified School District governing board.

The board members had a private meeting and announced that the state Education Code didn't allow them to overturn suspensions given out by administrators to students at Scripps Ranch High School. Only the administrators can overturn their decisions, the board said.

Board member Scott Barnett seemed to agree with the parents — calling on the students to apologize, and for the school principal to expunge the suspensions from their records.

He writes addressing what he refers to as the "twerking incident":

I believe every student who participated in the video showed poor judgment and should be held accountable for their actions. If either of my daughters were involved in and agreed to be filmed in ways I saw on the video, I would ensure there were consequences enacted by me and their mother, and want there to be consequences at school including at the very least a public apology and appropriate punishment such as a lunch detention, writing a paper on actions taken or other relevant consequences.

At the same time I believe the punishment meted out (two-day suspensions for sexual harassment) was overly severe in that it could cause significant damage to a student's academic future, possibly harming their ability to get into their college of choice.

It sounds like the kids are also banned from prom and won't be allowed to walk at graduation. The ACLU is involved — penning letters to the school board and administration saying that the suspensions "twist and trivialize" sexual harassment policies.

Some of the parents and students are now saying that the girls in the video had "no clue" where it would end up when they were innocently dancing like nobody was watching. While that may or may not be true, the takeaway lesson here isn't that you should be careful about how you act because it might be caught on camera. It's to think about how you act in terms of respecting yourself and your fellow human beings — and if twerking is in line with that, then twerk it like the rent is due (or just for fun; whatevs!).

And that's where the school really dropped the ball on this one. This could've been such a great teaching moment for all the students. By leveling a blanket punishment like suspension, the school not only missed an opportunity to teach these kids real world lessons, but they also lost the respect of many students and teachers. It's indicative of how out-of-touch many school administrations are with what it's like to be a teenager, and their (often times) complete inability to speak to students.

The end result here is the kids learned nothing, the parents are pissed off, lots of people are laughing at the school, and we now have yet another terrible example of twerking making its way around the internet.

[Los Angeles Times]

Rihanna has filed a $5 million lawsuit against Topshop for using images of her on T-shirts without her consent. Apparently Team Ri-Ri tried to negotiate with Topshop for the last eight months — and spent at least $1 million on litigation — but they offered her a measly $5,000 and told her to do her damndest, says a source: "What is most offensive for Rihanna is that they basically told her, ‘Go to hell. We don’t care; we are going to continue selling you."

The loophole that owner Sir Philip Green and co. use to get away with this is that "[they] buy the pictures from a photographer, but they do not pay the artist licensing fees. Unfortunately, U.K. law does not protect the artist." [Page Six, Bossip]

Incongruously, Emma Watson's Hollywood crush is Kevin Costner ("I met him in an elevator the other day. I couldn't even speak.)

We learn this and other factoids (like the Keeping Up With The Kardashians marathons she watched to portray Alexis Neiers) in a new W Magazine interview with Watson to promote The Bling Ring.

I’ve never wanted to grow up too fast: I wanted to wear a sports bra until I was 22! The allure of being sexy never really held any excitement for me. I’ve never been in a terrible rush to be seen as a woman.

Also, these two final lines win:

[Interviewer] Kevin Costner is so American.
Watson: Of course! Kevin Costner is forever. And America too! [W Magazine]

Lindsay Lohan is gaining weight at the Betty Ford Clinic — God forbid — because she's not living on speed, tequila shooters and Pez every day anymore. “[Lohan has been] extremely emotional this past week and is finding comfort in food. Lindsay can’t stop eating, and has gained five pounds because she has such poor eating habits. She has been exercising, but she just doesn’t have a lot of energy because she is no longer taking Adderall, which is a psychostimulant medication that contains amphetamine. She has been talking to a nutritionist at Betty Ford about eating healthier."

She gained FIVE POUNDS? Better get back on the smack. [Radar Online]

Kanye West premiered a serenade to Kim Kardashian at the Met Gala and sang it again at the Roseland Ballroom on Wednesday. He sang directly to a :D-ing Kim:

"Stop everything you're doing now/ Because baby, you're awesome / Don't let nobody get you down/ Because you're awesome/ You don't need to listen to your manager/ You must be tired of running through my mind/ Can I come inside? … I'm also awesome .../ I'd rather do nothing with you/ than something with somebody new/ Because baby you're awesome."

This has been an inside look at the most reclusive celebrity couple of our time. [Us Weekly]

Also: Kim plans to take the Kimyeby on tour with 'Ye. [TMZ]

• Avril Lavigne "doesn't believe" in chasing men so she let her fiancee Chad Kroeger chase her. Down the street. Screaming "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ON JOEY'S HEAD?" [Daily Mail]
• Candice Glover won American Idol. [People]
• Former Days of Our Lives actor Dylan Michael Patton was charged with dealing coke. [People]
• Here is the derpy cover of Corey Feldman's memoir Coreyography (srsly) that you all haven't been waiting for. [People]
• After calling the Met Gala "unfun," Gwyneth Braise Your Soy-Brushed Salmon 40 Minutes In The Shroud of Turin Paltrow take-backies her diss in GOOP. [Us Weekly]
• Lady Gaga stole a pair of boots from the underage ravers in Union Square. [Us Weekly]
• We are monitoring Reese Witherspoon's alcohol intake now. [Page Six]
• Shia LaBeouf directed a music video. (Highlights of its contents and/or a Shel Silverstein poem you never read: "Tears and chandeliers, an arm chopped off with an ax, sex on a staircase and birth in a bathtub.") [Page Six]
• Will.i.am on beginning to work on the new Britney Spears album: "Before we even start we've had these juicy sessions, where we've been bonding, building the trust and comfort. I've never worked like this before – not even the Peas." Weird, I was sure that lines like "let's get it started in here, whoo hoo, ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya" came after at LEAST a few trust fall sessions. [Billboard]
• Speaking of which, Britney wants you to be her ooh la la in her song for Smurfs 2. Don't hurt yourself. [ET Online]
• Fuck Internet baby-weight trolls, says Bryce Dallas Howard. [Radar Online]
• Amanda Bynes's mental health is improving, say sources close to her. [Radar Online]
• This fab00 portrait of Bea Arthur naked sold for almost $2 million at auction. [NYDN]
• Brad Pitt's back at Paramount after Angelina Jolie's tough few months. [NYDN]
• Miley Cyrus' brothers wouldn't go to the Maxim Top 100 party because it was too weird that their sister was the #1 sexiest woman. [NYDN]
• All 115 pounds of Zoe Saldana might be dating an artist named Marco Peregro. [People]
• Michael Jackson's nephew Taj said that he was molested as a child by a family member on his mom's side and MJ was a support system for him afterwards, even leaving a note with an article about molestation for his mother to read. [TMZ]

Lede images via When I'm Older, Splash

The 1950s were apparently a terrifying time to be a child. If a train wasn't coming out of nowhere to decapitate you, a seemingly harmless and endlessly fun game of "hide in a pile of leaves!"* ended when you were run over by city workers.

Buzzfeed's Copyranter got a hold of this amazing manual, and you have to see the whole thing. Titled "It's Great to Be Alive!", it was written by someone who knew how truly careless children can be. I'd encourage you to print it out and pass it around at your local elementary school but STRANGER DANGER. (Actually, that one is just good advice.)

[Buzzfeed]

Of all the trend pieces about fake trends, this one claiming that ladies don't love Game of Thrones has got to be one of the dumbest. If I could, I'd sic Brienne of Tarth on them.

Thrillist, Daily Candy's frat bro, posted a goofy piece about why women dislike GoT. Let's see... we hate gross things, complicated storylines, nerds, and whores. Basically, we're the sorority sisters that hate the members of Animal House.

Paolo Sambrano over at the San Francisco Appeal rebutted:

I am convinced that the woman who wrote the “Why Girls Hate Game of Thrones” piece on Thrillist isn’t a woman, but an AI Construct made out of rejected Teen Talk Barbie sayings and still operates on the belief that boys have cooties.

>…you can always distract us with Mad Men. Girls may hate Game of Thrones, but we love Don Draper.

See also: math is hard, let’s go shopping.

There's a reason the Game of Thrones posts are some of Jezebel's most popular, and it's not because men are flocking to this site to know how many dongs were flashed last week (although they should be — Madeleine's recaps are off. the. CHAIN.). It's because Game of Thrones is arguably a feminist show, and even forgetting that: it's just really fucking entertaining and when we're taking a break from cooking, cleaning, and busting balls, we like to be entertained, too!

We also live within the world where Game of Thrones is a commercial and critical success, and we, like many people of all genders, are curious when it comes to things that everyone is talking about all the time everywhere. Men don't have to downplay the amount of incest and boobs in every episode, because we live in this world and already know what the show is about. It's not some secret cult hit for D&D players only, it's a show with an enormous fan following — and many of those fans? They're women.

If that's all too much for some to comprehend, let our friend Ben Wyatt break it down:

[Thrillist] [SFAppeal]

Let's all chair dance (the best and easiest type of dancing!) along with these singing, laughing, bopping tots.

[via Hoopla Ha]

Get a load of this horseshit from Kevin Cramer, one of North Dakota's Republican Congressmen, earlier this month:

Just in the last several days, a Bismarck news anchor mistakenly uttered vulgarity on live television. He’s been heralded by celebrities from New York to California as some sort of pop icon. His bosses have been called goons because they fired him. We learned this week that the Pentagon is vetting its guide on religious tolerance with a group that compared Christian evangelism to rape, and advocated that military personnel and colluding chaplains who proselytize should be court-marshalled.

Forty years ago, the United States Supreme Court sanctioned abortion on demand. And we wonder why our culture sees school shootings so often.

Lol, "Abortion on Demand" makes it sound like it's an easy to access service offered by Direct TV. Which, as we know, couldn't be further from the truth — especially considering that in five states, it's actually EASIER to get a deadly weapon than it is to access abortion care, a healthcare right.

I get his twisted, foul, self-serving logic —- abortion is legal murder, therefore we shouldn't be surprised that people are murdering kids in schools — but it doesn't hold any water even upon the gentlest of prodding. The broadest point being that most Americans support safe and legal abortion, whereas you'd be hard pressed to find people who are onboard with school shootings.

And honestly, fuck this intolerance cloaked in supposed Cramer's misguided and damaging idea of Christianity. He can believe and practice whatever religion he wants, but the second those beliefs infringe on the rights of another person — even if that person's a woman! — they are no longer relevant.

[Think Progress]

Photo via AP

I mean, okay. Let it all out, Farrah. I'd like to state for the record that—though I do not want to hang out with her ever AT ALL—I don't personally care what Farrah Abraham puts into and pulls out of any of her teenage holes, and calling her a "whore" (as if that's an objectively bad, shameful thing to be) just makes you look like a slut-shamey prude-monster. Farrah Abraham is an adult woman trying to make ends meet (LITERALLY [farts to death]) through legal, consensual means, and if making a porno with James Deen is how she wants to do it, instead of, say, an afternoon shift at Starbucks, I say GO NUTS. You could pick worse legal, consensual penises. (I do, however, reserve the right to make fun of her for calling it a "sex tape" instead of a porno, because lolooolloolololol.) Anyway, she has some stuff to say about her butt.

“This is my video; I had all the creative imput in the world,” she toldHollywoodLife.com in an EXCLUSIVE interview.

“I did everything, I mean I hadnt had sex in a while. I wanted to do stuff — I got asked why did I do anal, and I was like ‘Why wouldn’t I?’” she added. “I’ve already done it when I was younger, and I don’t have sex much, I can have my own stuff to remember so I am going to have a little bit of everything. So that’s what I did for myself.

“Who the hell is dictating how the hell I have sex?” Farrah said.

UP TOP, ABRAHAM. [HollywoodLife]

What's that? They're releasing a clothing line based on Scandal? Who what now? So says Bellamy Young:

In today's edition of Tweet Beat, Paris Hilton experiences a waking nightmare :(, Ryan Lochte gets frustrated with toddlers that are probably smarter than him, and T-Pain might be more glasses obsessed than Elton John.

Omg! The power went out in my hotel half way thru getting my hair curled. This is a nightmare, running so late for The @blingringmovie. ☹

— Paris Hilton (@ParisHilton) May 16, 2013

Surprise lunch with my mom and my two nephews..... So hard to feed lil ones when all they want to do is throw the food across the room

— Ryan Lochte (@ryanlochte) May 16, 2013

U think lil kids need the bib when u feed em, really I need it cuz I'm getting food all over me from them throwing it. Taste of parent life

— Ryan Lochte (@ryanlochte) May 16, 2013

I swear I could hang my glasses from the ceiling of an empty room with lasers around em and they would somehow still find a way to get dirty

— T-Pain (@TPAIN) May 16, 2013

"Leave the condiment area in a coffee shop cleaner than you found it."This needs to be the focus of Obama's 2nd term.

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) May 16, 2013

I'm either gonna shave my legs today or air-brush an argyle pattern on them.

— Paula Pell (@perlapell) May 16, 2013

I have glow in the dark jellies.... You do not. TUH! *flips weave* *squeaks off in jellies*

— MISS CAMARADERIE(@AZEALIABANKS) May 16, 2013

The shit emoji is the best I ever had.������������������������

— solange knowles (@solangeknowles) May 16, 2013

Whenever I make myself a salad at home, I am so pride-filled I have to go online and tweet about it. Haha! Oh, life.

— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) May 16, 2013

I don't do drugs but whatever I just got for my endoscopy was the bomb.

— Ingrid Michaelson (@ingridmusic) May 16, 2013

this fancy cake is divine, do i detect a little nutmeg?

— Pete Wentz(@petewentz) May 16, 2013

"Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman's body" - Russian nesting doll

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) May 16, 2013

Just to be clear, if you bitch about crying babies, even if I agree with you, I'll never agree with you.

— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) May 16, 2013

In London! Just ate, now watching the British version of Maury.

— Frankie Muniz (@frankiemuniz) May 16, 2013

I just can't think of anything worse than watching a Victoria's Secret ad when you have your period.

— Rachelle Lefevre (@RachelleLefevre) May 16, 2013

Image via Getty

No, really. Our favorite mortician Caitlin Doughty "submits" an "audition" video, and we cross our fingers that whatever shitshow is in the works doesn't make the funeral business — or women — look bad.

[Order Of The Good Death]