Is it "3 strikes and you're out" or "third time's the charm?"

After decades of working with married couples, I have realized that there's not much I can do if peoples' mindsets are focused on being right instead of making their relationship better.


WATCH:




As a result I now focus on partners that are motivated to make their marriage a success and are willing to give up having to be right to do so. Those couples are often the ones where both partners are marrying for the third time or at least one is for the third time (usually the moneyed one) and the other for at least the second.

It doesn't always hold true, but it seems that a couple in a first marriage often doesn't know what to do when each person grows in a different direction and apart from the other. Rather than accepting this as a reality, they launch full bore into making the other person wrong when in fact they are just different and growing into who they are meant to be.

Then the second marriage is about doing the opposite of the first as a reaction to the other person being wrong. It is not about admitting and actually taking personal responsibility for problems in that first marriage. In other words, the narcissistic part of each person's personality is alive and well and entitled. If they haven't taken that personal responsibility for problems, they are often just as likely to run into problems -- maybe different ones, but problems nevertheless -- the second time around.

The third time may be the charm because after being a two time loser, it becomes more difficult to keep blaming the other person entirely. What's the saying? "Have a failed marriage once, shame on them; have a failed marriage twice, shame on you." And when you get older, just not wanting to fight is a legitimate resolution to arguments, whereas when you are younger that would seem to be too avoidant and there is often an obsessive need to deal with and resolve all the issues. Also by the time you're on a third marriage, you've gone from believing you're invincible to wanting to make it to the finish line of life with peace of mind.

Now there are many who will not remarry a third time. For the ones that do, there are usually habits they have learned that will help their third marriage to succeed (and ones that first and second marriages would do well to learn as well).

12 Habits of Healthy and Happy Third Marriages

1. Talking "with" instead of "at" your mate. Let their body language be your guide. When you're talking "at" your partner, they'll tense up. When you're talking "with" them, they'll most certainly relax.


2. Tuning in -- instead of tuning out -- to what your mate is saying. When your mind begins to wander, stop and remember that what your partner is saying is important to them whether you're interested or not.


3. Remembering to thank your mate. Not thanking your spouse for being considerate, thoughtful or kind makes them feel unappreciated and foolish for caring about you.


4. Saying, "I'm sorry," instead of becoming defensive. When you mess up, the sooner you sincerely apologize the sooner your mate can stop resenting you.


5. When you say, "I'm sorry," follow through. An apology buys you another chance. However, if you keep making the same mistake, apologies not only seem empty, but annoying as well.


6. Being on time. Frequently keeping your spouse waiting is not only inconsiderate; it's arrogant.


7. Not Jumping to conclusions. Presuming that you know what your partner feels -- and why -- without first getting all the facts is only going to push them away.


8. Not playing the victim. This behavior not only accuses your spouse of hurting you, but adds insult to injury by implying that they're doing it intentionally, when that may not be the case.


9. Not making the other person wrong. Rather than realizing and accepting that it takes two to make a mistake, they always blame problems on the other.


10. Talk well about your spouse behind their back. When you bad mouth your spouse to others, this not only adds to the list of secrets you keep from your mate, but also tells others how little you respect them.


11. Have ground rules for dealing with a difference of opinion. Having ground rules such as agreeing to not use words like "never" and "always" or agreeing that neither person can become abusive and unrelentingly accusatory -- a couples' disagreement will prevent a disagreement from deteriorating and sometimes reaching the point of cruel words or an action that can't be taken back.


12. Knowing that doing something once is not enough. If you only temporarily do the above -- and don't continue to monitor yourself from slipping back into bad habits -- you're teasing your partner with changing. You're also kidding yourself that you're committed to improving your marriage, when really you're not.

Of course there is no rule against applying the above to your first marriage.

Mark's website and personal blog

The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again...and Stay There (Perigee, $15.95)

Read more: Marriage, Relationships, Divorce, Relationship Counseling, Marriage Help, Marriage Counseling, Remarried, Marriage Problems, Living News

In my late twenties, I waged a bitter struggle for the affections of a belly dancer named Lotta. This "battle of Lotta" cost more time, money and self-respect than any crusade for companionship from the opposite sex I've undertaken before or since. Reflecting on it now with my 53-year old brain--and my 53-year old libido--it's hard to characterize the battle as anything other than a pointless, idiotic conflict. I'd like to reach back to 1987, grab hold of my younger self and demand, "What were you thinking?"

I'd like to do that, but it would pretty much be an act. I know what I was thinking. I was thinking that I was lonely and rudderless after my divorce, that Lotta was more sexually alluring than any woman I'd ever been with, and that she was a complete kick in the pants--spontaneous, adventurous and sometimes just plan crazy. The fact that she was a part-time belly dancer--doing gigs at Middle Eastern restaurants and performing "belly grams" for birthday parties while I held her boom box--didn't hurt. Everyone wants to be with a celebrity.

And that was exactly the problem. I met Lotta while waiting for my divorce to be finalized and since I was still married--she often reminded me--I couldn't expect an exclusive arrangement. As a consequence, I had a number of rivals during the battle, the most persistent and formidable of which was (unfortunately) another guy named Mark. Mark II, as I will call him, was younger and better looking than me, but (if you will trust my judgment on the matter) did not test quite as high in the IQ department. He worked as a shoe salesman, which paid less than my job as a computer programmer, but did give him access to discounted women's footwear. And Lotta loved her footwear.

I first became aware of Mark II at one of Lotta's performances at a Greek restaurant when he "happened" to be in the audience. After Lotta had changed out of her gold-spangled belly dancing outfit (the construction of which had been underwritten by me) and returned to our table, Mark II came up to tell her what a swell performance she had given. Lotta gave him a smile that probably warmed a lot more than his heart. After he mooned off, I asked who he was.

"Oh, just some guy I met at church," said Lotta.

The next time I ran into Mark II--or, more accurately, he ran into me--was when I was over at Lotta's house for Sunday dinner. Dinner at Lotta's house was usually something to be avoided. It wasn't so much that Lotta was a bad cook, it was that she was so incredibly cheap. She spent a good two hours every Sunday morning clipping coupons, which meant that the side dishes--or even the main courses--were always some sort of crazy, ersatz packaged item that the supermarkets or one of the big food companies was pushing. Think potted meat or clam jerky. Another manifestation of Lotta's cheapness was her insistence on buying fruits and vegetables that the supermarket had discounted because they were nearly (or, in many cases, already) past their prime. I choked down more overripe zucchini than I care to recall--and I don't even like fresh zucchini.

But Lotta's pièce de cheapness was her insistence on saving the aluminum wrappers from margarine cubes. These were hoarded so that they could be slapped onto chickens and turkeys like so many sections of aluminum siding in order that the tiny bit of residual margarine would soak into the skin of the unfortunate (cut-rate) fowl during the roasting process.

In any event, on this particular evening I had not managed to avoid dinner at Lotta's. She was in the living room setting the table with her best china, and because the dinner was intended to be "special" (or as special as it could be where the repast included a side of clam jerky), I was in her bedroom doing my best to look presentable. At the particular point in time that Mark II came up to stick his mug in Lotta's front-facing bedroom window (unbeknownst to me), looking presentable for dinner involved ironing my chinos while standing pants-less in my shirttail and boxer shorts.

Apparently it was news to Mark II that my relationship with Lotta was such that I might stand in her bedroom in my boxer shorts, and shortly thereafter I heard the doorbell ring, and once the door was opened, a great deal of yelling. The yelling increased in volume as the proximity of the yellers grew nearer and nearer to the (closed) bedroom door. I struggled to pull on my pants to fend off the attack I was sure was coming, but just when I expected the bedroom door to be flung open, the yelling stopped and I heard steps retreating down the hallway. The front door opened and closed again, and I rushed to the window in time to see Mark II flipping me off as he went down the sidewalk to his car.

Once I returned to the living room, I naturally asked Lotta what the hell was going on. She tried to play it cool. She said Mark II had assumed their relationship was more serious than it was and didn't understand that she was seeing other people.

"Are you sleeping with him?" I snapped.

"Of course not," she said. "Now relax and have some clam jerky. The roast chicken will be ready in a minute."

Having fought the battle of Lotta long enough by this point not to accept her explanation at face value, I decided a little independent verification was in order. Later that evening, I asked innocently when we were getting together again, and by carefully shifting her responses about when she was free over the next week, determined that her cover story for Thursday evening ("girl's night out") seemed the weakest. Sure enough, as I sat across the street from Lotta's house in my car reading Bret Easton Ellis' "Less Than Zero" by flashlight that Thursday evening, Mark II pulled up and bopped inside.

If reading Ellis' dispiriting book by a wavering yellow light in a freezing car wasn't depressing enough on its own, I made sure to get the full measure of ego-nullification by staying past the time that all the other lights in the house except the bedroom went off, past the time that beacon went off--and I presumed the sex began--and well into the early morning. I briefly considered letting the air out of Mark II's tires before I left at around 3 a.m., but couldn't quite bring myself to stoop that low.

I was too embarrassed to admit that I had staked out her house, but eventually I confronted Lotta about Mark II, citing evidence I had obtained through less craven means. When I laid the accusation out on the table, she just shrugged, and said, "What do you expect? You're married."

And so I was--for another few months anyway. Somehow I made peace with the situation and life continued, Lotta now doing little or nothing to conceal her relationship with Mark II from me. At one point, she went so far as to ask for advice.

"You know your nose hair?"

"Yeah?" I said.

"How do you--you know--trim it?"

"Why are you asking?"

"Mark's nose hair is sticking out all over the place. I want him to cut it back, but he says he doesn't know how."

I should have told her I used a Zippo lighter like a flamethrower to burn it out. Instead I mumbled, "Tell him to get a pair of nail scissors at the drug store. Those work fine."

Surprisingly, the trend of talking about Mark II's shortcomings continued--and even accelerated. First, Lotta mentioned that she thought that Mark's neck was too long and scrawny. Later, she said she thought he wasn't very mature and he had a dead-end job. I began to think the tide of the battle might be turning my way--although there still seemed to be plenty of new shoes from Mark II's so-called dead-end job in Lotta's closet.

I went on the offensive by funding a trip to a bed and breakfast in the Napa Valley and the acquisition of several new dresses. Lotta was too cheap to buy nice things for herself (and if the truth were known, her taste wasn't very good), so the dresses had a double-impact: they were both nicer and more stylish than anything she would have bought for herself. When an ex-boyfriend told her she looked the best she ever had while wearing one of them, she was extremely pleased and I thought I had turned the corner.

It was about that time that her parents came to town. I joined them for lunch--which seemed to go well--and Lotta said she was going to take the rest of the day to show them around the area. She invited me over to dinner the evening after they flew home to Iowa, and for once, I had a pleasant meal at her house: I insisted on ordering pizza and paired it with a six pack of my favorite beer. Lotta told funny stories about her dad working on her car and playing handyman, and things seemed more relaxed between us than they had in a while.

Until I got up to go to the bathroom.

After taking the opportunity to inspect my nose hair--to which I now paid an inordinate amount of attention--I realized that I had a "bat in the cave" and went hunting for a tissue to aid in its extraction. I opened the cabinet under the sink, and rather than locating a box of Kleenex, found Lotta's diaphragm sitting out to dry on top of its little plastic dish.

Lotta had told me that her parents had been over for dinner the previous evening and then had returned to the hotel where they were staying. It now dawned on me that there had been another guest at dinner--and this guest hadn't gone to any hotel to spend the night. He'd spent it in Lotta's two-hundred gallon water bed.

I snatched up the diaphragm and carried it back to the kitchen table, where I tossed it onto Lotta's plate, right on top of the greasy pepperoni. "What's this doing out?" I demanded.

Lotta tried countering with the "how dare you paw through my stuff" argument, but I wasn't having any. Eventually it came out that Mark II had been there, and when I accused her of using her parents as a sounding board to help her pick between us--first showing me off at lunch followed by him at dinner--she pretty much copped to the charge.

I got up to storm out of the house, but she wheedled and pleaded and managed to talk me into staying. I guessed that maybe her parents had thought I was the better catch, even though I'd been given the less desirable spot in the dog show. Now she was working a little harder to keep me on the leash.

After cleaning the greasy diaphragm and entombing the leftover pizza in Tupperware like organs preserved for transplant, we retired to the den to watch a rerun of The A-Team in almost complete silence. Then we took ourselves off to bed, where (for once) I resisted Lotta's attempt to use sexual favors to assuage my righteous anger.

"Look," she said. "I'll wear the lamb slippers again if you want. Baa-baa!"

"No, damn it. The sheep thing is not going to make up for this. And besides, I'll bet you got those slippers from him, didn't you?"

Lotta just shrugged and returned the woolly, two-toed slippers to the closet. She dropped off to sleep almost immediately, but I tossed and turned for hours, unable to shake the conviction that she was turning me and Mark II into a couple of emasculated drones for her hive. Finally, at about two in the morning, I decided I was leaving. The only problem with that idea was that Lotta had given me a ride to her house. My car was still in the parking lot at work.

But, having made the decision, I wasn't going to let this deter me. My close friend Terry lived about two miles away, and I thought the air and the exercise would be a good way to clear my head. How Terry and his wife Mary would feel about me presenting myself on their doorstep in the middle of the night didn't figure in my calculations.

Now your true reconstituted man, anxious to throw off the chains of drone-dom, would have shaken Lotta awake, boldly pronounced that he was leaving, and then marched out of the house in a testosterone cloud. What I did instead was slip out of the covers, dress quietly in the dark and sneak out the door with my garment bag. I even felt guilty about leaving Lotta's front door unlocked--but only slightly.

The walk to Terry's was a straight shot down a major road that was completely deserted. Now that that die was cast, and I was marching inexorably towards the hoped-for sanctuary of Terry's abode, it finally occurred to me to worry about the reception I would get. What if he wasn't home? What if he didn't answer the door? What if he called the cops?

None of those things happened. I tapped quietly on the door, whispering, "Hey, Terry, it's me," until the porch light came on. I heard the safety chain being taken off and then the door yawned open. Terry stood in his pajamas, gripping a baseball bat in one hand while rubbing tousled hair with the other. "What the f---, Coggins?" he asked (reasonably enough I had to admit).

I explained that I had come from Lotta's, and no sooner was her name out of my mouth, than he said, "Okay, okay. You can take the hide-a-bed." You see, Terry had heard a story or two about Lotta by that point.

It developed that Terry and Mary had also had a fight earlier in the evening and he had been sleeping on the hide-a-bed when I knocked on the door. I was now doing the important service of reuniting him with his wife. A further irony was that my ex-wife and I had given Terry and Mary the hide-a-bed when we moved from our old house. I was being reunited with it--at least for what was left of the evening.

I steered clear of Lotta for the next few weeks, feeling virtuous and remasculated. She emailed me once asking about some stuff I'd left at her house, but she didn't make any serious attempt to get us back together, nor did she ever ask exactly what happened the night of my disappearance from her bedroom. I guess there wasn't much ambiguity about the message I had sent.

Then, around eight in the morning one Saturday, I got a tearful call from her. She'd been arrested the night before for drunk driving and had spent the night in jail. She was all torn up, she said, and would I come over and spend some time with her? I told her I was sorry, but no. We were done.

I hung up the phone--and immediately felt I'd been too harsh. The circumstances of the arrest sounded arbitrary and miserable: she'd abandoned her Pontiac Fiero on the side of the road when she decided on her own she was too drunk to drive, but was arrested when she came back to get something from it and an officer happened by. She'd been handcuffed and spent the night with other drunks until she was allowed to make a phone call to a girlfriend to post bail.

I decided it wouldn't be the crime of the century to go see her. I wasn't getting back with her, I was just going to comfort her for old time's sake. I swung by the supermarket on the way to pick up her favorite--Haagen-Dazs ice cream bars--and then drove to her house.

As I came up the sidewalk, I saw through the kitchen window that someone was sitting at the kitchen table. The someone didn't have his shirt on, and as I looked at him from the back, I realized that Lotta was right: Mark II's neck was long and scrawny.

I dropped the Haagen-Dazs bars on the welcome mat and hot footed it back to my car. I drove to the nearest pay phone to call Lotta to tell she could find them there, and furthermore, exactly what I thought about her having Mark II come over after she had called me.

"But you said you weren't coming--" was all she managed before I slammed down the phone.
I'd like to tell you that that was the last day I spoke to Lotta--that I never had anything to do with her again. I'd like to tell you that, but I'd be lying. My addiction continued in fits and starts--as addictions will--for another three years over two different continents. (Lotta took a temporary job in Germany, where I traveled several times to visit her.)

When she came home, I agreed to meet her in a bar in Palo Alto and there I told her once and for all that we done, finitio, finished. It took her a while to grasp that the worm had had turned. But when she did, her face dropped and she stormed out of the restaurant, leaving her Kahlua and Cream (and the bar bill) behind.

The bar has long since closed, but the building now houses a popular Asian restaurant. My (new) wife and I eat there occasionally, and whenever we come in, I glance involuntarily at corner by the door where I had that final conversation. I didn't meet my wife until years and years later, but I know we'd never be together if the battle of Lotta hadn't ended at that spot.

Maybe they should put up a plaque.

(Photo by D. Sharon Pruitt. CC 2.0 licensing.)

Read more: Drunk Driving, Stalking, Love Triangle, Singles, Divorce, Belly Dancing, Comedy, Sex, Dating, Relationships, Living News

They say that the definition of insanity is approaching a situation the same way every time and expecting different results.

When it comes to romantic relationships, do you ever find yourself playing the same role with each new lover, and yet unable to understand why none of your relationships turn out differently?

Take my friend, Rob, for example. Divorced and looking for love, he recently broke off his engagement with his new fiancée. Stating that she was "just as messed up as the last one," he complains to me that he can't find a woman who is different from all the others he's been with in the past.

I asked him, "Why is it that you expect the women you date to be different when you act the same in every relationship?"

He looked puzzled and asked what I meant by that. He wasn't the problem. They were the problem.

I continued, "You play the identical part in your relationships every time. You like being a caretaker. You enjoy having someone need you, but then you become frustrated and unhappy when they demand constant attention. If you want to date women who are different from the ones in the past, first you must change the energy that you project out to women."

He grumbled as though he knew I was making sense, but couldn't bring himself to admit that maybe he was the reason that he wasn't happy in love.

It's easy to blame others when our relationships head south. "The girls I date are always needy or the guys I date are always jerks," routine becomes tired, and rediscovering one's goals and motivations in a relationship can seem like a daunting task. But, how else can you figure out what you want in a relationship if you can't seem to shake off what you don't want?


Maybe people are afraid to step out of these roles that they play in relationships. It's hard to change one's energy. It takes time, effort and a deep commitment to yourself and to your desires.

Roleplaying is something that we all do. It's easier to play the game we know than to venture out and experience dating seemingly as a novice all over again. But, how can one move beyond their usual part and experience something new?

First, you have to acknowledge that the game you are playing just isn't working and that maybe it's time to try a new strategy to attract a lover more suited to you.

Second, one must begin to accept that playing the role of caretaker, for example, may only attract people who need taken care of. If you don't want to be someone's parent, you may want to audition for another part.

Third, you must actually attempt to change because wanting something just isn't enough. Approaching a situation with new vigor, determination and a positive attitude can seem almost impossible, but if you don't try, you are going to be in the same rut over and over again.

What did Rob do? Right now, he is in the process of licking his wounds and rediscovering what he really needs from a partner. He knows now that if he continues to date the same woman over and over again, by acting the same in every relationship, he will never find a partner that truly brings out the best in him. But, he informs me, easier said than done.

"My biggest problem," he states, "is that I find their neediness so damn irresistible in the beginning. I like playing the hero, I like being there for them, I like doting on the person I'm dating."

I don't disagree with him. In fact, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be a nurturing lover. However, it must be a two-way street. The women he dates, he believes, never reciprocate. They just take and take, leaving him emotionally and mentally exhausted.

While I find merit to what he is saying, I remind him that in all of his relationships, he creates situations in which they need him. To blame them completely for his unhappiness in their relationship isn't fair. He doesn't allow his lovers to be independent. He can be smothering and controlling, which eventually causes his girlfriend-of-the-moment to succumb to his dominance, and give up on expressing herself as an autonomous human being.

(His ex-partners may also want to ask themselves why they always seem to play the part of doormat, as well.)

Whatever your role is in your relationships, ask yourself if you notice a pattern of behavior that you cling to every time when you are with someone. If you are frustrated by what you notice, take proactive steps to change how you interact with others in the dating pool. When you feel something bubbling to the surface that you would have said or done in the past, ask yourself if this is a positive thing to do, or if this is just an old habit of yours.

Yes, it can be hard to change your energy and approach a situation differently from how you did in the past. It can be frightening to step out of your comfort zone and experience relationships on a whole new level. But, imagine the freedom you will experience when you let go of the emotional and mental chains that weigh you down and allow yourself to experience dating as a whole new person, as an evolved creature, as someone who is ready to embrace their best self.

Read more: Divorce, Relationships, Commitment, Marriage, Relationship Advice, Dating, Love, Finding Love, Find Love, Living News

The DivorceCandy.com mission is to show that there is life after divorce ... that divorce can lead to all things positive and happy, and no one should feel ashamed or embarrassed to go through one. So, it makes us a little frustrated seeing some recent articles and even ABC News compare divorce to a epidemic, offering ways to "vaccinate against divorce" or suggesting, "divorce is contagious" like the flu. It seems our goal of changing the stigma of divorce is still facing an uphill battle with such negative comparisons.

Yet, we're not the only ones who wish could shift the tone about divorce. Don't get us wrong; we don't want to start encouraging and condoning failed marriages. But there are many who are living, breathing proof that it's possible to move on in a healthy, positive way. We wanted to give a voice to these many divorcees who have learned to appreciate and celebrate who they are, have grown independent, stronger and more resilient in the face of adversity, and found a new level of joy, peace and calm.

During this past month, we posted a weekly "Question of the Day" to our Facebook community. These questions were: What is something valuable you have learned from your divorce? How did you get your groove back after divorce? What advice would you give to others currently going through the divorce process and don't know if they will make it out in one piece? The community's positive, encouraging, and inspiring responses demonstrate just how much life exists after divorce. Please note that we have received written permission from these Facebook fans to post their responses.

What is something valuable you have learned from your divorce?

• Amy: Candy tastes even better after you're divorced (everything does)!



• Cyndi: I learned that remaining on friendly terms with my ex has made dealing with the obligations we have to our child easier, not to mention it's allowed me to keep my sanity!



• Lynette: I think the thing I learned was I CAN do it on my own and there is someone out there that will treat me and my children with love and respect even though he won't.



• Patti: That I actually could be happy and like myself!



• Stephanie: Forgive and move on.



• Cecily: To not forget who I am; that I am more than a wife.



• Sarah: That it's better to be alone than be with someone that doesn't bring out your best.



• Karen: Divorce has taught me to find myself again and be independent.



• Robin: I learned that divorce is not the end of my life; it is the beginning of a wonderful adventure where I can create the happiness I desire. I found out that I am a lot stronger than I thought I was and my friends can and do, at times, love me more than the family I was given at birth.



• Paula: Not to settle for something for fear of change.

How did you get your groove back after divorce?

• Cindy: I started taking scuba diving lessons and after talking to the dive shop owner's wife, I had an epiphany: I can do whatever I want!



• Michele: Working on it! Pray a lot and let God lead me where He wants me to go. Trying new things I didn't think I could do. Learning to believe in myself!



• Unduplicated Art: Working out and doing more stuff for me. I have lost 26 lbs and I feel and look great!



• Cyndi: I made myself a priority, since God knows he never did. I decided to put myself first and to do the things that make me happy. Once I focused on me and making positive changes in my life, the rest just fell into place. SO much happier now!



• Jennie: I have two new jobs and I treat myself better: manicures and pedicures, which I never did before. I spend more time with friends and exercise so I can look good and feel good!



• Jennifer: Going out with friends and lots of wine, sex and therapy!

What advice would you give to others currently going through the divorce process and don't know if they will make it out in one piece?

• Melissa: Just take it one day at a time. Surround yourself with a good support network and know that one day you will look back and realize that you have more strength than you ever thought possible.



• Carla: Everything is temporary--good and bad. This too shall pass.



• Jackie The Divorce Coach: Pay more attention to yourself than the divorce itself. Be brutally honest with yourself and ask for help. (www.thedivorcecoach.co.uk)



• Ingrid: Have faith you are where you are supposed to be.



• Janine: When you feel like you are just going to die, crawl into your bed and just die. Then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, put one foot in front the other and keep moving forward as best you can. Even if it's two steps back for every step forward, you can do it! Life stinks right now, but if you keep going it WILL get better. A year of healing has passed and my life is BETTER than EVER!



• Rachel: Sometimes things get worse before they get better (in my case). In the end, it all works out and I am a much happier person.



• Nicole: If you're worried about the future and the what if's, keep your feet in today and when it all gets too much, focus on one second at a time until you can focus on one minute. Then, gradually keep increasing. Take baby steps and don't think you have to tackle everything at once. One day at a time. Make a list and cross it off as you get it done.



• Heather: ALWAYS take the high road, always. You will feel better about yourself and your children are watching and learning from you.



• Amy: Want to change your mood? DANCE! Crank up your favorite tune and DANCE!

As you can see by the above responses, divorce does not have to be a negative experience. These divorcees are living proof that there can be positives -- a renewed faith in oneself, new-found talents, self-worth and for some, a restoration of the thing none of us ever has enough of: freedom! The responders above are also testimony to our favorite mantra at DivorceCandy: Revamp. Rejuvenate. Rebuild.

To learn more about our Facebook community, go to http://www.facebook.com/DivorceCandy.
Randi Small and Jennifer Schwartz are the co-founders of www.divorcecandy.com.

Read more: Divorce, Life After Divorce, Relationship Over, Relationships, Marriage End, Relationship Breakup, Marriage Divorce, Living News

"Where are you going Mommy?"

If you are the single mom of a young child the idea of dating can become a major issue for both of you. You feel, and rightly so, that your first responsibility is to your child; that goes without saying. But while the wonders of parenthood are great, you still have a need to meet, and spend time with, an adult member of the opposite sex. Your life needs the healthy balance of being a parent and being the adult you. It can become complicated and you owe it to your child as well as yourself to make both parts of your life work.

How can you make the polar opposites of parenting and dating gel? Becoming a parent has brought major changes to your life. You are a different person now than you were pre-child and dating is no longer a spontaneous activity. It is a well-planned, seriously thought out action. Before deciding on what you're going to wear, you have to think about getting a babysitter, the chance of date cancellation if your child gets sick, and your child's emotional reaction to the idea of you going out on a date.

It is your child's reaction to "mommy dating" that needs to be addressed before anything else.

Children, as the saying goes, know a lot more about what is going on than we think they do. Their senses pick up our moods and our worries. They also have concerns and fears about you being away from them. It's natural and normal.

As an adult you need to have 'adult-only' time with friends and with dating partners. Incorporating dating into a life you share with a child takes some time and consideration and there are ways to help your child deal with this new phase in your life together.

The best way to prepare your child before you venture out on a date is to be "age appropriate honest." This means that if your three-year-old wants to know why you're going out on a Saturday night instead of staying home with her to watch "Shrek 2," you give an explanation that a three-year-old understands. Telling her that this night is for "mommies only" is something she can comprehend. Nothing more need be said.

An older child gets a more "mature" explanation. They can grasp the fact that mom needs to spend time with other adults. They relate this to their own age group-based society like school or sports.

A good way to prepare your young children for mommy's first date is to make sure they see you interact with adult friends and coworkers. They will feel comfortable with the idea of you being with other grownups. Have them meet your friends and bring them to your work if possible.

Talk openly and honestly about what a date means. Let them know that there are activities for adults only like dancing, late dinners and social organizations.

Introduce a date as one of your friends. Be casual because it is casual. This person may or may not be in your life on a long term basis so don't make the meeting anything more than it is.

Tell your child approximately what time you'll be home.

If you leave before they go to bed, call them once during the date to say goodnight. That gives them the comforting sense that you are thinking about them and for a child that is paramount.

Relax and enjoy yourself. Your child will be fine and so will you.

To read more from Kristen Houghton, peruse her articles at Kristen Houghton.com and visit her Keys to Happiness blog.
And Then I'll Be Happy! Look Inside the Book
Kristen's email
Copyright 2010 Kristen Houghton

Read more: Single Motherhood, Parenting, Single Mother, Single Mom Dating, Single Mother Dating, Relationships, Living News