Divorce is the second most stressful life event, preceded only by the death of a spouse. And what is stress capable of? Expediting a severe bout of depression and anxiety to your limbic system (the brain's emotional center) if you're not careful. Acute and chronic stress, especially, undermine both emotional and physical health. In fact, a recent study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior suggests that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than married people.

Another study in Psychological Science claimed that a person's happiness level drops as she approaches divorce, although there is rebounding over time if the person works at it. That's what these 12 tips are: suggestions for preventing the devastating depression that often accompanies divorce, and techniques that you can use to keep your happiness level steady or maybe even higher!



1. Lose yourself in a book (or an afghan).

I think the one thing that kept my mom sane the years after she and my dad split were the 75 afghans she knitted for me, my sisters, and anyone who got married during between 1982 and 1985. The mundane, repetitive gesture, she told me later, kept her brain on the loop that she was making with her big plastic needles, away from all the sadness in her heart. Swimming is the same type of activity for me. I count each lap, so if I start to ruminate too much, I lose track. For an OCD gal who needs to burn calories, it's a tragedy when that happens. A friend of mine who divorced last year said that losing herself in a juicy novel was a helpful diversion. Or I guess you could also watch reality TV, although I'd hate for you to sink that low.

2. Change your routine.

The year after my dad left, a counselor recommended to my mom that she go back to work. So she took a part-time job as a hostess at a nice restaurant downtown, working lunch hour. The job forced her to smile, meet new people, and be part of a fresh environment--all of which helped her to get out of her head for several hours of the day and gave her hope that there was new life out there, that her life wasn't over just because her marriage had ended.

3. Plan, plan, and plan some more.

In her book Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again, psychotherapist Roberta Temes suggests a few activities that are therapeutic during bereavement (and divorce is a kind of bereavement). One of them is planning. That is, planning everything. I know this works because I did it during the really low months of my severe depression. I planned when I would eat my bagel, when I would shower, and when I would relieve my bladder. I planned when I'd write my distorted thoughts into a journal, and when I would try to count my blessings. All the planning cut down on my ruminations. You think I'm crazy? Temes writes:
Use a calendar to make your plans. Plan when you will go somewhere new. Plan when you will buy yourself a new outfit. Plan to learn to knit and decide when you'll go to the yarn store. Plan to go fishing and call a buddy who likes to fish. Or, learn how to frame a favorite photo and plan when you will venture to a craft shop or to an art supply store. Plan to repair something in your house and plan to go to Home Depot or to Lowe's or to your local hardware store. Planning activities for your future will help you reach that future.
4. Clean out and organize.

A productive way to grieve the end of a relationship is to clean out the drawers, closets, and other corners of your house that may still contain your spouse's possessions, and replace them with new stuff. Your stuff. You don't have to do it all at once, of course. As I said in the last point, you can plan each stage of the excavation. By manually picking up each item, recalling certain memories, and ever so tidily boxing them up for either him, Goodwill, or bulk pickup, you are acknowledging and bidding adieu to the marriage, while creating a space in your life for something new.

5. Preserve your energy.

In her book, Ready to Heal, Kelly McDaniel urges people who have just ended a relationship to preserve their energy, to avoid cluttering their days with too much activity. She writes, "The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [of a relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you've ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solution." You feel tired? You're working two jobs ... that's why!

6. Defy the stereotype.

Mary Jo Eustace will make any reader, but especially those who have lived through divorce, laugh out loud with her memoir, Divorce Sucks. I loved the part where she challenges the divorcee to debunk the hurtful stereotypes of divorced people. Writes Eustace: "Our marriages didn't work, so people assume we don't quite work. And this is why it's very important for those of us who have survived the hell of divorce to start redefining what the landscape of the divorced woman [or man] can look like. People can have us over for dinner, even a couple's dinner party, and we promise we won't seduce anyone's husband or dance on the table, expressing ourselves through modern movement and our ability to do the splits."

7. Take the high road.

My friend and mentor Mike constantly reminds me that it's better to be happy or at peace than it is to be right. So, as I'm loaded and ready to fire off a nasty email to some jerk who could potentially make my life hell, I will stop and consider Mike's pearl of advice. Then I drag the email over to the cute trashcan on my monitor.

I have no doubt your ex-spouse is responsible for a mother load of terrible things, legal pad after legal pad of inexcusable grievances you could report to your attorney. And you would be absolutely entitled to seek revenge (or even justice) for his all of his misjudgments. But is it worth it? That's the question you might need to stick to your bathroom mirror on a sticky note. A friendly divorce isn't necessarily a fair divorce. Which one do you want?

Want to learn more?
Check out these five additional ways to beat depression after a divorce.

***

Originally published on Beyond Blue at Beliefnet.com. To read more of Therese, visit her blog, Beyond Blue at Beliefnet.com, or subscribe here. You may also find her at www.thereseborchard.com.

Read more: Marriage, Depression, Divorce, Relationships, Moving On, Break Ups, Breaking Up, Relationship Tips, The Inner Life, Sadness, Living News

As we all know, when it comes to love, relationships, and even sex, being physically attractive to our partner is an important criterion. Yeah, you can "buy" attractiveness to a degree - the pole dancers at "Foxy's Fun House" will pretty much make Quasimodo feel like a handsome stud - but for this article, we'll focus more on actual attractiveness vs. the kind seen through the green haze of dollar bills.

When people think of physical attractiveness, there's a certain part that nature plays - some people are just more attractive than others in a "natural" sense. But even then, almost anyone can look "good enough" with some effort. Exercise, cleanliness, good grooming habits, clean clothing and shoes, and well maintained hair are steps anyone can take to look "better".

But you know, one of the most important things often goes overlooked - your teeth. And here's the big thing about teeth: they might not be the first thing one notices, but they are probably one of the biggest deal-breakers when it comes to dating, romance, and sex. Not having the nicest shirt in the world may not matter so much (especially since your date may be picturing you without it anyway.) But enter the dating pool sporting a brown smile, missing or rotted teeth, or an infected tooth giving off an odor? Ugh... watch the opposite sex run for the hills.

(Before I move on, I want to state that even though I'm focusing on single people and dating, this information is also for people already in relationships. Trust me, husbands and wives/boyfriends and girlfriends are just as affected by bad teeth. So if you aren't "getting enough", maybe some time with the toothbrush is in order. )

Ok, so what makes for a good set of datable teeth? Well, there are a few things.

1. The biggest factor in teeth and relationships is cleanliness. Brushing and flossing everyday will go a long way in ensuring that your teeth aren't going to keep you from corralling the person of your dreams. While there are many more things people do to beautify their smiles, brushing and flossing daily are the basic building blocks that everyone can participate in. Also, it goes without saying that avoiding smoking, and limiting staining beverages like coffee can also help quite a bit.

2. The next step after basic brushing and flossing is seeing your dentist regularly and getting the dental work you need done. This means getting cavities filled, and it means getting those root canals, crowns, bridges, and implants when they are needed. There is nothing more unappealing than an infected or dead tooth front and center (or, even worse, no tooth at all.) Plus, besides the appearance factor, having healthy teeth provides a wealth of other health benefits.

3. Next up is straight and properly spaced teeth. Now, I am not suggesting outright perfection is needed here: in all honesty, most people need not be too concerned with a perfect smile in this regard. However, that said, teeth that are all over the place won't be doing you many favors, either.

4. Lastly, once the above three issues are handled, the next step for some people is teeth whitening. This gives one that "movie-star smile", and can really make a difference. With the advances made in the field of cosmetic dentistry in the last few years, there are very few reasons to not be able to find some type of assistance to restore some dazzle to your teeth. As these practices become more common, they also become more affordable to the public, which makes cosmetic dentistry a benefit that almost anyone can enjoy.

Outside of physical looks, there are also other factors to consider regarding this issue. Having a set of bad teeth can lead to a lot of embarrassment and stress in a person. People with bad teeth usually know they have bad teeth. This can lead to a number of problematic symptoms, such as low-self esteem, withdrawing from social activities, or even a reluctance or total resistance to smiling. People simply do not feel good about themselves when they know there is an obvious issue that leads to rejection or social awkwardness. It's not the 1800's anymore: having a good-looking set of teeth has become a standard in today's social circles.

In addition, having a set of healthy, white teeth exudes an air of confidence, makes a great first impression, and has been proven in studies to increase a person's chance of success with the opposite sex. Basic things such as brushing and flossing, and even avoiding things such as smoking and keeping coffee to a minimum can go a long way in helping one score.

Hey, there is always a chance for romance as long as people take care of themselves. With a little bit of prevention, and being proactive when a problem does arise, hooking up with that dream date is just a smile away.

Read more: Dental Care, Veneers, Cosmetic Dentistry, Health, Teeth, Dentist, Mouth, Attractiveness, Relationships, Dating, Physical Appearance, Living News

One of the most valuable pieces of cyber-real estate is up for sale. According to Wired, sex.com will be auctioned on March 16 and the opening bid is a mere one million dollars. Do we really need another porn site? Can we make do with the estimated 1.3 million sex-related sites already on the web? Never mind the ever popular user-generated sites where folk upload last night's activity for free without so much as a fee or password required.

No, I think it would be an amazing piece of largess - not to mention an inspired acquisition - if Bill Gates and his Foundation, were to outbid everyone and snap up this heavily trafficked site. Then the smart folks at the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation could convert sex.com into the world's leading safe sex portal in an effort to stop the spread of HIV and the myriad of other sexually transmitted diseases, while also curbing the rise of unwanted teenage pregnancy.

Whatever you think of online porn -- whether you have a laissez-faire attitude or are an outright opponent of the stuff -- the world wide web would not miss the disappearance of sex.com as a sexual shop front.

What would be inspired would be the appearance of educated and fact-based messages, videos, tips and guides on how to have a wonderful and loving sex life being responsible and safe for you and your partner. Who better to deliver such a site than the man who presided first over the spread of the personal computer to every corner of the globe and who is doing his level best to give away his personal fortune, particularly to those corners where HIV/AIDS and other STD's are so rampant.

So come on, Bill, be a sport. $1M or thereabouts certainly won't break the bank. Put a smile on our faces and a good feeling in our hearts. And, in the future, when kids land on sex.com they'll get some real sexual education and tips that will keep them, their partners and, eventually, their own children safe. You know it's the right thing to do.

Read more: Online Safety, Stds, Family Online Safety Insitute, Sex, Bill Gates, Porn, Stephen Balkam, Texting, Business News

I've been a Personal Branding coach for a large part of my working life - I've had the privilege of working with a group of men and women who in many ways have been my teachers. When I began my retail fashion business in the late 70s, the branding aspect of my business focused on what I now describe as Outer Branding. Outer Branding includes attire, grooming, our physicality and the way we communicate verbally.

I've been fascinated by the different ways people communicate with each other for as long as I can remember. And over my many years in the worlds of fashion and retail, my attention shifted from Outer Branding to what I now describe as Inner Branding. Your Inner Brand includes your attitude, values, your behaviours, self esteem and your level of confidence. It also represents the different ways you communicate without words.

Non-verbal communication is massively impactful. Energy level, facial expressions, body language and general demeanour are all important forms of communication. When the positive aspects of these characteristics are in place, words become secondary. That's how powerful your Inner Brand can be.

And when your Inner and Outer Brand are congruent, your Personal Brand conveys authenticity. When someone has an authentic Personal Brand, what we experience is their confidence and sense of purpose. They've little or no self consciousness and they seem to be comfortable in their body. They've developed and honed their Personal Brand so that it expresses itself as something unique to them. In many ways, your Personal Brand is about your reputation - what others say about you.

People we consider to be charismatic or special have managed to develop a strong Personal Brand. Everything about them is carefully thought out. Their attire is important. They choose each item of clothing meticulously, to include colour, type and weight of fabric, shape, and most importantly, a fit that flatters. They will also have a disciplined grooming regime. So, when we see someone who looks special, unless they got lucky, they have spent time, energy and determination to hone these specific aspects of their Outer Brand.

This Inside-Out approach to Personal Branding is the most effective way to create and develop a Personal Brand that's both compelling and sustainable. The benefits of having an Outer Brand that represents who you are on the inside can be life changing. And one of the reasons for this is because once you acknowledge who you really are on the inside, and learn how to express it on the outside, you become more of yourself. When this happens, perhaps for the first time, you feel and look 'together.'

If you think about people who have a strong, compelling, authentic Personal Brand, each will have at least one quality or characteristic that you have, or would like to have. They might have great people-skills, an ability to listen, or perhaps be charismatic. Their physical looks and what they're wearing take a back seat. That's why it's so important to spend time on enhancing and continuing to improve your Inner Brand. It is the most effective way to develop your Outer Brand.

It takes 10-seconds to make a first impression. You only get one chance. Having an authentic Personal Brand enables you to make a positive impression every time. So make sure you are always dressed and groomed appropriately for a specific occasion. Brush up on your manners and handshake, and be super polite at all times. Remember, you will be judged in those crucial first 10-seconds.
Here are a few tips I hope you will find helpful as it relates to developing your Personal Brand:

Inner Branding

1. Reject quick fixes and replace them with patience

2. Be generous to others, both in word and deed

3. Think positive thoughts, even when you feel less than positive

4. Be grateful for what you have, rather than focusing on what you don't have

5. Be prepared to make sacrifices in order to have the life you want

6. Remove prejudices and replace them with openness & learning

7. Offer unconditional compassion and empathy to others

8. Be a good listener

9. Giving is the new getting

Outer Branding

1. Excellent grooming - what a person sees first

2. Upbeat body language - standing tall

3. Good eye contact - steady and alive

4. Attire that is appropriate to the business culture and that says something personal about you - professional polish

5. Smile - it's contagious

6. A firm handshake - certainty... If it's an interview situation, it sets the tone

7. Excellent manners

8. A healthy appearance - taking care of ourselves

9. Communication in person, email or by phone that's congruent

Read more: Business Tips, Selling Yourself, Relationships, Marketing, Branding, Malcolm Levene, Careers, Personal Branding, Career Tips, Living News

Some believe that the path to the metaphysical is the physical; that in order to feel the soul it is necessary to first embrace the body. But Teresa works as a prostitute in Amsterdam where for years one unrequited desire has burned beneath the surface of her numbed skin. She yearns to be touched in her soul by someone who has not first paid her to flesh-out a fantasy.

Snaking through Stifled Alleyways in a Creepy Conga Dance

Being open to new experiences, even the ones that seem so foreign to us, can help to build a more understanding, compassionate, empathic self.

The Amsterdam evening was a sharp, sad contrast to a day bathed in the splendor of the Van Gogh Museum. Its collection includes 200 hundred of his works, and the colors of his Japanese prints so inspired me that I could almost smell the scent of cherry blossoms as I was reminded of my travels to Japan. But after midnight the air in the old city's legal red light district becomes filled with the stale odor of sex for sale.

Sleazy characters shuffle along the bustling streets as if rushing to join the plot of a Dickens novel. Passageways echo with moans. People squeeze past me, impatient to get to the main attraction: the famous Theatre Casa Rosso with its "Live Sex Show."

In the throbbing heart of an international sex supermarket I watch women try to turn calculated gestures and glances into professional profits. Red neon makes dim-lit doorways glow in front of the miniature storefront glass facades of the small cubicle of prostitution. Scantily clad women of all ages, looks, and ethnicities pose and purr with promises of paid excitement. A surging mass of humanity pulses past - a swarm of shadows buzzing with sexual anticipation.

"Looky-Loos" and Interviews:

Put yourself into an uncomfortable situation but enter with an open mind. You'll experience a surprising outcome and exit the other side of it with fresh and unexpected insights.

I pass a small shop advertising peep shows. Men with hungry eyes enter as others with lax faces leave. One eyes me lasciviously as he wipes his hands on his pants. A gorgeous Swedish-looking teenage blonde spots me from behind her viewing glass. She teases her thin, tanned frame flirtatiously as she opens the door to look me up and down.

"Would it be possible to interview you?" I ask.

"Interview? No." She starts to close the door. "If my parents found out it would make them sad and angry. Journalists always make us out to be victims. We're not. I want to be here. I enjoy my work."

"How long have you been working here?"

"Three months. Please, no more questions. Good luck." Feeling heavier in the heart I continue along the street with its smorgasbord of women for rent.

Unrecognized Angels:

Don't judge others. Everyone has a purpose and we often don't know what our own - or other peoples' - purpose is. Rather than critique choices, behaviors, career paths or life decisions it is more meaningful to listen and learn profound lessons from those experienced in ways that we are not.

An aging blonde jiggles her assets like a conductor leading an orchestra but the only attention she gets is chuckles and bad jokes tossed her way. Something about her intrigues me. We lock eyes and five seconds feels like an hour. I nod; she pauses. I smile; she fidgets with her thinning, bleached-out hair and releases the latch from her door. I ask her if we can just talk.

"Why?" she asks.

"I'm writing an article about the women here."

"Okay, but no cameras."

"No problem."

"It's your session," she says. The price is fifteen minutes, 50 dollars U.S."

I sit on a chair next to the bed and ask her name. "Teresa," she says, taking a long drag on her cigarette. She's been at this for six years, and says she only works four days a week. "I could work more but I find it spiritually exhausting."

She explains how the prostitutes have regulated check-ups. "But, shit, I've had every venereal disease you can get except AIDS. Crabs, herpes, syphilis, the works. You go to the doctor, you take the pills; you get better. People make such a big deal of it."

I ask about her childhood. "What childhood? I grew up fast." I ask about her job. "It's work - and hell, does anyone enjoy working?"

"What do the men expect?" I wonder.

She takes another hit from her cig. "They get what they come for. They all dream about this little room before they arrive. It's like a fairytale to them. They expect a princess, and they get Theresa. But they can't see me; they only see their fantasy. I'm just the vessel to take them where they want to go. I don't see them, either. Everyone has the same face, same smell. If they don't get off, that's their problem. I tell them to change their fantasy or take Viagra. This small room is the house of the dead."

I gingerly ask "If you could have one wish, what would it be?"

"One wish?" She pauses and thinks. "To experience at least once in my life having my soul touched instead of my body." A deep sadness transforms her face. "With no exchange of money. But it's too late for that."

She stands, gesturing for me to do the same. I pay her and thank her for her honesty. She shrugs, pulls the drapes open, and opens the door to let an old Asian man inside. She offers no smile, no good-bye. I'm just another faceless customer.

Entwined in Tragic Lives:

What am I doing here in a crowded corridor of smut with these empty souls, entwined in their tragic lives? Am I one of them? Is everyone?

I rejoin the swollen crowd of sightseers and slither past men queued up and waiting to slip into small, dank-smelling cubicles where they will rendezvous with private fantasies. Suddenly I'm confronted with the sour breath of an old male face in front of me. I pull my coat tighter around my body and push on, pretending to be unfazed.

With a more purposeful stride I head back to the sanctuary of my room as I try to assimilate the experiences of the last 24 hours and reconcile my newfound lessons.

Women of the (Starry) Night:

Especially for those raised in more conservative environments the conspicuous lack of inhibition in Amsterdam's red light district can test or recalibrate one's moral compass. But it reaffirmed my belief that when we allow ourselves to venture beyond familiar enclaves we face our fear of the unknown.

Knowing dissipates fright and invites the potential for enlightenment. When we fear others it leads to hatred. But when we feel safe around others it invites the possibility for love.

I don't know what complex paths or storied journeys have led souls like Teresa into their current circumstances. She does not like her situation. But instead of folding her cards she has the fortitude and dignity to play the hand she's been dealt until her fortune hopefully changes. We have to take responsibility for our own survival when faced with dire circumstances, and tough choices inform our true destiny.

Looking up at the night sky I envision Van Gogh's "Starry Night" and think of how he painted and fed so many trollops. Women of the night - of nights just like this one - inspired Vincent. They were crucial companions who helped him create, and perhaps I should feel envy - not pity - for these muses. As author Henry Miller said, "Only whores appreciate me." Maybe such women - who step forward to willingly embrace a nobler alternative to victimization - are history's unrecognized angels.

Nurturing Anne Frankness:

"Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be, how much you can love, what you can accomplish, and what your potential is." (Anne Frank)

Young Anne marveled at how wonderful it is that "nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world," and she said, "I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains."

Journal like Anne Frank did. Start documenting your days so you can look back on your past year and discover how much you've grown and what you want the following year to look like.

Along the way others will touch you for free - deep within your soul.

Read more: Psychotherapy, History, Holocaust, Jewish, Sex, Travel, Psychology, Artists, Europe, Sexuality, World News

Many clients come to me bubbling with excitement that their loved one is practicing a clean and sober lifestyle. They can't believe the change in attitude and disposition from what was once an angry, belligerent person to a caring, attentive and responsible family member. Ahh..."my loved one is back and I want to show them how proud I am of their efforts and commitment. I'm going to buy them this or give them that".

Not wanting to throw too much cold water on their enthusiasm, I gently walk them through the pros and cons of their intentions and how they can express their pleasure in a myriad of ways other than buying cars, supporting apartments or plopping down large sums of money in a checking account.

Rewards seem to be more common to children than they are to adults. Parents often feel that they need to or want to reward their children for good behavior. They are relieved and grateful that their son or daughter has gone through such a difficult period in their life and has come out the other side with flying colors. After all, children were frequently rewarded for good grades in school; why not reward them for getting clean and sober?

The challenging determination here is what should that reward be and when do you ignite it? Professionally, I would like to think that the real reward is in and of itself the practice of a clean and sober lifestyle and all the riches that come from that. However, try and separate your emotions from reality and use what I have put together as the "C.A.R.D" acronym for your guide.

This acronym stands for: C - credibility, A - accountability, R - responsibility,
D - dependability. In a successful recovery these are character traits that the alcoholic/addict will be exhibiting on a daily basis as standard operating procedure, with not a lot of fan fare associated with it.

If your loved one is displaying this disposition, you're halfway there. The next question is for how long? Please remember that the alcoholic/addict has been in their addiction most likely for years and in their recovery program for a fraction of that time. It is the width of an eyelash between the two. So, with that said it is important that they have clocked in a substantial amount of time with a solid, grounded recovery. I believe at least a year or 18 months of holding down a job or attending classes reaffirms the character traits as well as the time element. Whatever it may be that can represent the credible, accountable, responsible and dependable behavior that comes with a clean and sober lifestyle.

If you wish to reward your loved one, find something that is enjoyable and fun, but not too over the top. Here are a couple of options that might prove fulfilling for both of you, and not just the carrot at the end of the stick for being a good boy or girl and doing the right thing.

One idea might be to plan a family vacation. Maybe somewhere the recovering alcoholic/addict has never been and has always had a desire to visit. Depending on your finances and interest, anything from a camping trip to a Mediterranean cruise might fill the bill. While planning it together as a family, there is nothing wrong with discussing some fair boundaries and expectations that you all agree upon. It may have nothing to do with staying clean and sober, but more about the normal, everyday suppositions of a family.

Another option might be for the family and the one in recovery to start a project together. Re-building a vintage car, erecting a green house, fishing or sailing; something that takes time, commitment and a "suiting up and showing up" mental and physical state.

If this doesn't give you enough satisfaction and you feel you have to do something more dramatic consider the following. If you are hell bent on purchasing a car for your child or funding a number of months in an apartment to show your vote of confidence in their budding sobriety, please think it through carefully.

I'm leery about huge investments unless there is some fiscal responsibility held by the recovering alcoholic/addict. For example ... a car. Discuss with them how they see their participation in the purchase. This could represent a promising goal for them to work toward, yet at the same time may take a year or two. Or if the car is already purchased, the recovering alcoholic/addict pays for insurance, gas, upkeep, etc...

This is so important, as they MUST be accountable not only to you, but to themselves as well -- a continued step in reaffirming the C.A.R.D. acronym.

If they don't have the money for gas or insurance, don't pay it for them in the hopes that they will pay you back. Parents have a way of forgetting or letting things slide to be "good guys" so their children will like them more. Don't forget to incorporate whatever ramifications both of you come up with if a car payment is not remitted on time, a full or part-time job is not a daily occurrence, grades are not kept up, etc.

Remember that the recovering alcoholic/addict functions best when he or she knows very clearly what the rules of the game are and what is expected of them. Having them vested in his or her own life continues to give them a sense of accomplishment and purpose.

It can be a wonderful experience for everyone as they share in the pride of ownership for participating in the growth and development of their beloved recovering alcoholic/addict.

Please do leave a comment below or drop me an email with your thoughts, suggestions or requests for future areas of focus.
If I can be of service to you or your family, please e-mail me at Carole@familyrecoverysolutions.com or go to http://familyrecoverysolutions.com/free_one_hour_session.html

Read more: Drug Addiction, Sobriety, Depression, Recovery, Relationships, Addiction & Recovery, Alcoholism, Dependency, Addiction, Aa, Drugs, Drug Dependency, Inebriety, Living News

>While reading Cynthia Nixon's recent lang=RU style='color:windowtext'> href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cynthia-nixon/its-a-helluva-state_b_380268.html"> >post > on the failure of the New York
State legislature to pass a gay marriage bill, I had an epiphany. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'>  >As the corporate flack says in the movie Avatar,
"Look at all that cheddar."  

Modified screen shot from the movie Avatar

>Here's the problem; style='color:windowtext'>  color:windowtext'>New York State is flat broke and we've style='color:windowtext'>  color:windowtext'>got a 9 billion dollar gap in our forthcoming budget. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'>  >Gay marriage is our solution, but only if we act soon
because we already have  href="http://lesbianlife.about.com/cs/wedding/a/wheremarriage.htm"> >competition.   lang=RU >Let's implore our dear
departing Governor to do more than just href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Same-sex_marriage_in_New_York"> >recognize lang=RU > that others have done the
right thing, let's demand that he make New York the Las Vegas of gay marriage. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'>

>Think of it as opening a foreign market up to our
exports, although in its current state of affairs it might be the most suspect
product offering since shipping the Pinto to Japan. style='color:windowtext'> color:windowtext'>In 1990 9.8 people for every 1000 of us in the United States
married.   lang=RU >10 years later it had fallen
to 8.3, and by 2006 it had fallen to 7.5. style='color:windowtext'>  color:windowtext'> Half of all those who do get married, will get divorced. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'>  >At this rate, if we restrict the legal right to marry
to heterosexuals, the marriage industrial complex in the United States will go
the way of href="http://www.diacenter.org/sites/page/1/1003"> >factories >. style='color:windowtext'>

windowtext'> >Dan Savage writes  lang=RU >that about four percent of
the population is gay so that works out to about 7,600,000 more marriage
eligible adults.   lang=RU >Let's be optimistic and say
there is pent up demand for marriage in the gay community and so 20 percent of
them want to get hitched.   lang=RU >That's 760,000 weddings
right?   lang=RU >We make New York the funnest
place to get hitched, and we can capture half the gay nuptials every year. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'>

>Let's add up all that cheddar. style='color:windowtext'>  color:windowtext'>Americans spend an average of $25,000 on their celebrations
but lets be honest, in New York you couldn't rent a closet large enough for the
Patterson re-election committee for that kind of scratch. style='color:windowtext'>  color:windowtext'>Cynthia and Michelle aren't escaping the lang=RU style='color:windowtext'> >Waldorf lang=RU > for under $500k not
including their gorgeous, href="http://www.stkildajewelry.com/detail/5,0/"> color:windowtext'>lesbian designed wedding rings lang=RU >. style='color:windowtext'>

windowtext'> I'm
going to say that the average wedding held in the city is going to run to
$75,000, therefore we could boost our local economy with an immediate jolt of
2.85 billion dollars, followed by another billion every year in queer
couplings. 

Wedding rings by gay jeweler Nora Kogan for St Kilda.

>But seriously folks, this is about love and light. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'>  >It's about civil rights, it's about human rights. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'>  >In preparation for writing this I asked my
father-in-law, Robert Leonard Powers, retired style='color:windowtext'> href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/16/us/16episcopal.html"> >Episcopal lang=RU > Priest and esteemed lang=RU style='color:windowtext'> href="http://www.adlerianpsychologyassociates.com/about.html"> >Adlerian Psychologist lang=RU >, for his thoughts. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'>  >His full comments are style='color:windowtext'>  href="http://docs.google.com/View?id=dfkc2wrn_635dntvp7cb"> >here,  lang=RU >but I'm going finish out the
rest of this post with his last three paragraphs. style='color:windowtext'>  color:windowtext'>He writes:

>Old ideas about marriage, its nature, its
social purpose, its stability, and its sanctity have been steadily questioned
ever since the Reformation, the Enlightenment, and the discovery of reliable
birth-control. This has occasioned a great deal of uneasiness, as any
disruption of custom and expectation is bound to do, and with this comes
viewing with alarm, denunciations, and rear-guard efforts to paste up the
shreds of patriarchal history.

>Knowing this, there is certainly a touching
confidence revealed in the continuing idea that sacred ceremony can serve to
safeguard any personal (and commonly all-too-often impermanent) efforts at
fidelity and solemn covenant.  lang=RU > When same-sexed couples
who treasure each other's being in the world want to present themselves
somewhere regarded as sacred space, and to act in what they want to be a sacred
way in declaring their desire to love and to cherish each other throughout the
vicissitudes of mortal life, it seems grudging to argue that they must be
refused whatever strength and consolation may come through a priest's prayers
and acts of blessing. We can only hope that now, in a turbulent time of change,
  lang=RU >it may help them, when
they encounter refusal, to remember that for one thousand or more years any
sexual  lang=RU > union of any kind was
refused this blessing.

Robert L. Powers and his wife Jane Griffith of almost 30 years

>To shift to my Clinical Psychology position, I can
only add that it is crazy to oppose the actions of people who mean no harm to
you, and do no harm to you. The less sympathy you are able to have for people
unlike you the more vulnerable you are to mental illness and every other
self-crippling limitation. The less you are able to treasure the variant on the
human possibilities of loyalty and mutual care represented by those whose
experiences of life are and have been, often painfully, unlike yours, and the
more hostile and antagonistic your feelings are with respect to them, the
greater the danger, to you and to the rest of us, that you will be inclined to
do harm. The commandment to love your neighbor as yourself has nothing to do
with religious customs and ceremony. It is the formula for the common life of
humankind, and of all life, and of all being, to receive, to pass on, and to
bestow the happiness that is at the heart of every Blessing. lang=RU style='color:windowtext'>

Read more: Politics, Religion, New York City-New York, Property Rights, Sex, Gay Marriage, New York News

Last week, we unleashed a challenge to tell your life story in exactly six words, the idea coming from Larry Smith's Six Word Memoir Project and his series of best selling books based on readers' six word contributions.

Here are a few Six Word Memoirs from readers of last week's post:

"LIFE: unscripted, unedited, but never dull."
"I didn't know my own strength."
"Regardless of it I declared victory."
"While waiting for love forgot living."
"Suicidal disillusionment becomes surrender as bliss."
Dark clouds, luminous sun, together -- rainbows!"

HP blogger, Cara Barker, commented: "I'm waiting for the inspiration to find my six. Meanwhile, I loved all your words on this blog." To which I responded in six word fashion: "While waiting for inspiration -- found love".

I offered a six word response to nearly everyone who left a comment last week and was surprised and delighted by the experience of distilling communication down to its essence.

Which led me to wonder: What is it about the six word communication that is so satisfying?

I realize probably not every reader has this kind of response, but I've communicated with enough people over the last seven days, either spoken or written, to get the sense that I'm not alone in my response to this phenomenon.

Something about the exercise is both challenging and liberating. It brings a new level of mindfulness to communication. Since last week, I've found myself thinking in six word increments and counting words to see if I made the cut. A couple of my FB friends noted the same loopy phenomenon occurring in their brains as well. How about you?

I posed the question: "Why is the Six Word Memoir exercise so compelling?" on my FB page and here are a few responses:

"6 words make chaotic life, simple"
"I think it is the challenge."
"Provokes and condenses "too much" folks!"
"Or it could be the fun"
"Ignites your creative juices to flow"
"Like coloring within the lines: structure."

Something about the last one resonates with me. Yes, I admit to being a pretty neat and tidy person, yet I also admit to excess. I live at both ends of the continuum. The six word memoir exercise is like being on a "word diet". I should be so disciplined around food!

If you love to cook, perhaps you know the thrill of making a good reduction sauce. You end up with a concentrated, potent elixir that distills the essence of the original ingredient into just a few drops. What could be better?

Writing is a bit like cooking with words. I love seeing words line up on the page, like little soldiers, or watching how they arrange themselves in paragraphs seemingly with a mind and a life of their own. I love how the act of writing reveals to me truths of which my conscious mind was oblivious until I spilled it on the page.

To a writer, words are candy. But like candy, too much wordiness can be nauseating. Too much flowery language overloads the senses and ends up diluting the message and obscuring the messenger. Six word memoirs are like eating dark chocolate: rich, and deeply satisfying but only if eaten in small amounts.

And then I came across this quote from William Strunk, Jr., author of The Elements of Style, the ultimate writer's handbook, written in 1918:

Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell.

Ahhh, but that every word tell ... indeed! It's a bit of a metaphor for how our closest relationships unfold. Every word, gesture, choice and action taken is telling, whether we're aware of it or not. How about bringing some consciousness to the subject?

Which brings us to this week's six word memoir challenge:

Write a six word memoir based on your real life experience of intimate relationships. We might define "intimate relationships" to include those people with whom you are closest, not just romantic and sexual relationships.

Memoir writing tips

1. Instead of just stringing together a list of six words, choose words that tell the story of your intimate relationships, not as you would like them to be, but as they really are for you.

2. Remember Rule 12! Rule 12 of The Elements of Style warns:
Avoid tame, colorless, hesitating, non-committal language.

Here are some entries submitted by friends in response to this week's challenge:

"For best results, mix until combined."
"The only way out is through."
"Most rewarding and gut wrenching experience."
"With you I'm more like me."
"Shoulda, coulda, woulda, too late now"
"Been there, done that, what's next?"
"Partnered sherpas standing for each other."

One friend sent me an entire page, a veritable short story, made of six word sentences that speak to intimate relationships. I'm posting it on my personal blog at Rx For The Soul. Here are a few teasers:

Sleeping in double bed, waiting.
Aging passion turned into quiet companionship.
Your shoes sit beside the door.
Love stayed around when you left.

And here's mine, borrowed from Winston Churchill's description of Russia, and clearly referring to the romantic variety of intimate relationships :

"A riddle, wrapped in a mystery."

You might want to use this exercise to do a little self-reflection of your own. How do you sum up your story about intimate relationships in only six words? Let it rumble around in your psyche a bit, and see what spills out. There's an intuitive factor at play here, so trust the process and see what your unconscious delivers. You might just be surprised!

You know what to do. You're seasoned vets at this. Please share your six word comments below (and feel free to share any additional thoughts or insights you've discovered in the process) and I'll endeavor to deliver my six word responses to as many as possible.

And while you're rumbling around the site, go ahead and Become A Fan and receive automatic updates of my future posts. Invite your friends to play our six word game by posting this to your FB page and/or forwarding this on to your favorite wordsmiths. Why shouldn't they get addicted too?

Wanna play some more? Please come visit my personal blog and website at Rx For The Soul or send personal emails to judith[at]judithrichdotcom.

Have fun with this and blessings on the path.

Read more: Larry Smith, Elements of Style, Word Game, Writing, William Strunk, Website, Six-Word Memoir, Blog, Living News, Featured Contributor, Dr. Judith Rich, Huffington Post, Rx for the Soul, Relationships, Living News

While the majority of us may not work in the emergency room, or even work in the healthcare industry, we can still save lives.

In the United States, as many as 10 million women and one million men are fighting a life-and-death battle with anorexia or bulimia, according to the National Eating Disorders Association. More often than not, dentists can provide the gateway to critical medical treatment for these individuals.

By becoming aware of certain signs and symptoms, you can uncover illness that may otherwise go unnoticed - and untreated. With the right knowledge, you can save a life.

A deadly disease spreads - faster

Eating disorders are potentially deadly, biologically-based psychiatric illnesses. Anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness, nearly 12 times greater than any other cause of death among women between the ages of 15 and 24.

What's more, eating disorders among young women are increasing at an alarming rate. Nationally, the incidence of bulimia in women ages 10 to 39 tripled between 1988 and 1993, and continues to grow.

Anorexia typically begins at the start of puberty and is more common among adolescent girls and young adult women. It affects one to two percent of the female population, and 0.1 to 0.2 percent of men. Because more than 90 percent of all those who are affected are adolescents and young women, the disorder has been characterized as primarily a young woman's illness. But it should also be noted that males and children as young as seven years old have been diagnosed with this illness, as well as middle-aged and elderly women.

Patients are diagnosed with anorexia when their body weight falls to 85 percent or less of their normal, healthy weight. Typically, these patients have an obsessive preoccupation with body weight and calories, as well as an intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat. Their body image is grossly distorted, resulting in an unwarranted psychological impact on how they see and value themselves.

There are two types of anorexia nervosa: the restrictive eating type and the binge-eating/purging type. Binge eaters rapidly consume a large amount of high-calorie food in a very short time - perhaps 1,500 to 3,000 calories or more. Those who purge may do so with self-induced vomiting, excessive exercise or the misuse of laxatives, diuretics or enemas. Approximately 70 to 80 percent of people with bulimia purge by means of self-induced vomiting, while 30 percent use laxatives. Some who purge, however, do so without actually binge-eating first.

Recognizing the danger signs

The physical complications associated with anorexia are potentially life-threatening, since dehydration and malnutrition can damage vital organs. This can result in:

- low blood pressure

- electrolyte imbalance

- cardiac arrhythmias

- thyroid gland deficiencies, which can lead to cold intolerance and constipation

- appearance of fine, baby-like body hair

- bloating or edema

- decrease in white blood cells, leading to increased susceptibility to infection

- osteoporosis

- seizures related to fluid shifts due to excessive diarrhea or vomiting

- kidney damage or failure from chronic use of diuretics

Signs of an eating disorder are:

• Exhibits concern about her weight and attempts to control weight by diet, refusal of food, vomiting or laxative abuse.

• Prolonged exercising despite fatigue and weakness.

• Peculiar patterns regarding handling food.

• Exhibits abnormally fast weight loss, without any other known medical condition.

• Experiences depressive moods and self-deprecating behavior.

If you recognize these signs, fight the urge to remain silent. Remember, denial is a big part of eating disorders - another reason they can become fatal and a major obstacle to recovery. Act in a caring and non-judgmental way, simply stating what you see, and asking how you can help.

Also, you can go to the Web site of the National Eating Disorders Association (www.myneda.org) or call Timberline Knolls at 877-257-9611, and we would be happy to help find a professional in your area. That referral just might save a life.

Kimberly Dennis, M.D., is the medical director at Timberline Knolls (www.timberlineknolls.com). Located in Lemont, Ill., this innovative residential treatment center is designed exclusively for women with emotional disorders, including eating disorders, addiction and self-injury behavior. Dr. Dennis is a member of the American Medical Association, the Academy of Eating Disorders, the American Academy of Addiction Psychiatry and the American Society of Addiction Medicine.

Read more: The Inner Life, Relationships, Anorexia, Health, Addiction, Women's Health, Food, Eating Disorders, Eating, Power, Bulimia, Wellness, Control, Living News

Do you often walk away from people thinking, "Did I say the right thing"; did I offend someone"; "should I have said or asked ..."?

Do you frequently hear that "little voice" in your head saying: "What will they think?"

Do you often feel you need to be a certain way and you can't just be yourself?

Most people are concerned about what others think about them and many say and do things just to get the approval of others. These thoughts and behaviors seem to be so much a part of who we are and are so common in others that we assume that they are just part of being human.

In fact, however, they are not. You can eradicate these thoughts and behaviors forever.

How? By eliminating the beliefs that cause them. Although this extremely common problem can be caused by different beliefs in different people, there is one specific belief that anyone with this problem almost certainly has: "What makes me good enough is having people think well of me."

Today, I'm going to tell you how this belief is formed, why so many people have it (maybe even you) and how getting rid of this belief will transform your life.

Early in life many of us form negative beliefs about ourselves like "I'm not good enough." (Almost every one of the 13,000 clients we've had from 45 countries around the world has had this belief.) Because most parents expect children to do things that are unrealistic for their age (such as be neat and quiet, and come when called at the age of three or four), and because most parents get frustrated, annoyed or angry when their children don't do what they're told, most children conclude "there must be something wrong with me" if mom and dad are upset with me so often, or "I'm not good enough."

Because our beliefs about ourselves are usually formed during the first six years of life, most of us already have this belief when we leave our homes and go out into the world of teachers, other kids, school, etc. Obviously a belief like this would make us think as we start school: "How will I get people to like me and how will I make it in the world if I'm not good enough?"

And those thoughts, in turn, would lead to us feeling "not okay" about ourselves and anxious to some extent.

And then one day a solution appears. We do something that our parents (or perhaps a teacher or coach) like and they give us a very positive response. How does that make us feel? Happy and very good about ourselves.

The first few times that happens we feel good but don't make anything of it. And then after this progression of events occurs a few times we conclude: If I didn't feel good about myself, and then after getting praise and/or positive attention I do feel good about myself, what that means is: "What makes me good enough or important is having people think well of me."

This is a very special type of belief. It is a belief that tells us what needs to happen in order to experience being okay. And when it doesn't happen we don't feel very good about ourselves.

Well, if we don't experience being good enough the way we are and we need something outside ourselves to become good enough, how often would we want that outside something to occur? All the time! Anytime anyone doesn't like us, rejects us, or thinks poorly of us, we have lost our "survival strategy," our method for making us feel good about ourselves. At that point the underlying belief: "I'm not good enough," is uncovered and stares us in the face, leaving us feeling not good enough and producing some level of anxiety.

As a result, the need to have others think well of us is experienced like a drug addiction by many people. When they achieve it they feel good for the moment, but it's only a matter of time before they need another "fix." At that point they become obsessed about getting it.

There are other "survival strategy" beliefs, such as What makes me good enough is doing things perfectly; what makes me good enough is being successful/wealthy (can you see now see why some people are obsessed with money?); and what makes me good enough is taking care of others. And it's possible to have more than one. But based on over 25 years of experience in our private practice, "having people think well of me" is the most common.

If you would like to get rid of the belief, "I'm not good enough" (or several other negative self-esteem beliefs), please visit our free belief-elimination site, http://bit.ly/bQHtep.


Copyright 2010 Morty Lefkoe

Read more: Drug Addiction, Coaches, Eliminating Beliefs, Low Self-Esteem, Addiction, Beliefs, Self-Esteem, Parenting, Approval, Survival Strategy, Praise, Positive Attention, Need for Approval, Worrying What People Think of Us, Teachers, Confidence, Parents, Relationships, Living News

It begins, as always, with a feeling of unease that I try desperately to hide from my kids. It's a vicious circle, depression. The more you feel it, the more you want to hide it, and the more you hide it, the worse it gets.

There is nothing specifically wrong, of course; that would be too easy. When it comes, it is more of a general sense of "downness," like a thick fog has descended and taken up residence in my head. This is the first in so long, I'd almost forgotten the symptoms. I certainly would have liked to.

After the initial cloud settles in, so does the familiarity, and the realization that I've been fighting it for some time - probably just as much for my husband's sake as my children's. He lost an old friend to suicide recently, and I think that shook him to the core that someone could be so outgoing, so gregarious, so "together" - and yet so sad.

So when he's around - which is often, since we both work from home - I am somehow able to contain it. And when the kids are around, there simply isn't time to completely succumb. There are sports to get to, and homework to be done, and bedtime routines to be performed. But then one day the husband went out of town, and the kids went to school, and I went back to bed. And couldn't get up. It finally spilled over.

If you're not familiar with depression, if the commercials for Cymbalta aren't enough to give you a general feel, it's like this, at least for me: walking on the bottom of a murky, dark pond, able to breathe but really just barely, trudging through silt and sand that impedes your progress with every step, knowing - hopefully, on some level - that it can't last forever, that there is a shoreline somewhere and if you can keep trudging, you will make it there.

But while you're trudging, life as you know it has stopped.

In my case, I find it difficult to get out of bed, let alone get dressed. It's almost impossible to shower and brush and my teeth, let alone go to the grocery store ... or to teach my class. I can't write, and I don't want to talk. I want to sleep. That's all. I want to curl up in my bed and wake up when everything's fine again. When I was single, it was frighteningly easy; it was almost welcome, sometimes. Maybe because it was familiar.

But then I found a medication that helped, and then I had children. If my depression was lurking, it was at least held at bay . . . until the last couple weeks. The kids would get on the bus, and I would go back to bed. I'd cancel any appointments by email so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. I'd get up briefly, let the dog out, and hit the couch. Ten minutes before the bus brought them home I'd change from pajamas to sweats, brush my teeth and hair, and quickly pick up the breakfast dishes.

I think I did a fine job of masquerading for the kids, because I felt I had to. They come home from school and expect to see a normal mother, one who gives them snacks and makes them dinner and listens to their day with some degree of enthusiasm. And who wants to be remembered as the mommy with "the spells" anyway? Do they really need to know this stuff?

The answer, of course, is yes. They do need to know it, for a couple reasons, not the least of which is that when I'm having such a "spell," I need help. Help with the dishes, help with the laundry, whatever. More importantly, though, they need to know it to be able to recognize the symptoms, in themselves, or in their friends. In themselves because depression can be hereditary, and knowledge is power; in their friends, because kids don't always confide in parents when things are wrong, they confide in their friends. And knowledge is power.

I also know that if the bullying tactics and opportunities that are available today were around 40 years ago, I probably would not have survived high school. I'm amazed I did anyway, although the credit for that should probably go to my fear of going to a hell worse than the one I was already in more than any internal fortitude on my part. But with what I see out there today, the hell I feared back then might seem like a viable escape.

Not telling my kids about this won't make them not experience it. It will just make them more frightened if they do, and more likely to hide it from me. And the circle will be complete.

Read more: Parenting, Mental Health, Health, Major Depression, Depression, Relationships, Family, Living News

Just a Daughter Taking Care of Mom ...

With 44 million people providing care to someone over the age of 50 in their home, the problems faced by these millions of family caregivers are reaching crisis proportions in our nation. You may know someone who is taking care of a family member. It might be your elderly neighbor, who provides demanding non-stop care for his wife of 50 years who suffers from progressing dementia, but can't bear to remove her from the home she has lived in and loved for decades. It might be your cousin, whose mother suffers from a number of chronic illnesses that require professional home care services as well as seven-day-a-week assistance with the activities of daily living. Or it might be you, a typical sandwich generation middle-ager, caring for an aging parent while trying to juggle the demands of your own children and a full-time job.

Take, for example, Jeanine, a 59-year-old advertising saleswoman, caring for her 82-year-old mother, Helen. Helen has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) and diabetes, two very common diagnoses faced by the elderly in the U.S. Helen received visits from a professional home care nurse as well as a home health aide after a surgery related to diabetic complications. But now that formal home care services have ended Helen still needs assistance each day. She's just not strong enough to be on her own, to fix herself meals, and remember her medications. Jeanine, who lives 30 minute away, visits every evening she can and makes sure that her mother has had something to eat, taken her medications, is safe by herself and has someone to talk to.

Jeanine was surprised when she heard her title of "caregiver." "I'm just a daughter taking care of my mom," she replies. But, when probed further, Jeanine admits to feeling weary. "I haven't been to the gym in two months and I've gained some weight. And my back is killing me."

Most people find it comforting to know that, as technology improves, more and more illnesses and conditions can be managed outside a hospital or nursing home setting, and that they can remain in their homes for a longer period of time. But with this new flexibility comes a host of additional difficulties for family caregivers, such as the need to change wound dressings, help with personal care, and manage insurance paperwork. Many family members, loved ones or neighbors feel hopelessly unprepared for the work they have to do.

Comments like Jeanine's are often heard from those caring for family members. Family caregivers have been found to be at higher risk for many health problems, such as stroke, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, chronic illnesses such as heart disease and diabetes, and higher mortality rates. They often report back pain, from having to move their family members, say from the bed to a chair. They miss work, skip vacations and suffer job-related worries. And they often spend so much time shuttling their family member to doctor appointments that they miss their own checkups -- some caregivers report not having been to visit a doctor for themselves for years.

These stories are repeated in thousands of households throughout the nation--and in some ways, these family caregivers are the lucky ones. Many caregivers do not live close enough to visit their family members frequently, so they end up juggling air travel, jobs, and their own families, while struggling constantly with feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

I'm writing this blog because I believe it is time to focus on the caregiver--helping them to provide assistance to their family members, loved ones or neighbors in need, while finding the time to maintain their own emotional and physical health. I hope to address many of the hard issues facing caregivers: getting the training they need to provide hands-on medical care, understanding and managing medications, staying on top of insurance paperwork, and communicating with health care professionals. Ideally, this blog will be a voice for you as well, to share your concerns, fears, solutions and inspiration.

Another aim of the blog is to make sure that medical professionals and paid providers understand and support the critical role that family caregivers play. I'd like to create a forum that will help the formal delivery system evolve, so that patients, family caregivers, health care professionals and providers are all communicating and working in partnership, not opposition.

When my son was born, he spent four months in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) and faced many challenges his first few years. In those first months, I was angry and frightened, a traveler without a map, "visiting" my tiny son every day in an excellent clinical setting, but one that could not possibly have met my standards for vigilance, searching for someone who spoke in words I could comprehend. I have aging parents now--they are both in their 90s and my dad is planning his 98th birthday party in April! I hope that my brother the scientist, my sister the humanist, and I can provide them all the care they need, though they live in a different part of the country. I will face challenges as my siblings and I try to ensure their comfort, safety and health, and I am hoping that this blog will enable me, as well as all of you who are facing the same thing, to give all that is needed, while preserving my sanity and sense of humor.

I work as the Vice President of Community Benefit and External Affairs at the Visiting Nurse Service of New York, the oldest not-for-profit home care agency in the nation. I have spent much of my professional life engaged in issues facing the direct care workforce in long term care. Professional home care providers and family caregivers face many of the same difficulties, but as I've learned, family caregivers have until now not been given the kind of support they need to do their jobs. We hope this blog can help change that. The voices of caregivers are valuable, and I invite you to post your comments so that we can be sure to address the issues important to you, the family caregivers of today.

Read more: Aging, Caregiving, Relationships, Care, Motherhood, Mom, Parenting, Family, Living News

Let's face it, telling the truth about your sexual experience to your partner is daunting, especially when it goes beyond "it was wonderful, honey" or some version of that accolade. This blog is not about the "how was that for you" discussions after sex. Most people have gotten the message by now: doing a post-mortem evaluation of a sexual encounter is not a good idea. If you haven't figured that out yet--stop doing it right now!

When I refer to 'the truth,' I mean self-disclosure, not ego stroking to please a partner and score emotional points. At first, engaging in these types of conversations are best outside of the bedroom, or at least when you have clothes on and are feeling relaxed, otherwise performance anxiety will take over, or feelings of shame or defensiveness. The truth that is crucial for great sex in long term relationships is the sharing of your deepest feelings about how you experience sexuality. And that includes a whole lot of what has shaped us: our encounters with others, our awareness of sexual energy, our most vulnerable fantasies, our unique interests, and much about our personal history -- the whole shebang. But the most interesting and satisfying truth that can move your sexual experience to a much higher level is telling your partner what is true in the moment. That truth includes both inner knowing and outer expression.

Telling the truth is the fifth energy center of the body, the Throat Chakra. It is about the flow of energy through your voice: how you express or suppress your truth. Telling the truth is a level II (Conscious Loving) communication skill and 'voice' includes inner wisdom, that 'still small voice' that we listen to by quieting the mind. And it also includes the spoken word, what we share with a partner. Intimate relationships are the only ones where it is critical to express our vulnerable awareness. The ability to describe with words your interior experience to someone you love takes significant practice. It can be tricky to find just the right way to say what you mean without blame which would make it impossible to have good sex because defensiveness and anger stifle sexual energy. To be effective, Level II communication must be congruent with what you are feeling. It must be non-blaming and tempered with kindness.

Conscious Loving means that as the listener, you must focus on being fully present, staying open and curious about rather than reactive to what your partner is saying. Then, in order to speak your truth, you must first sense what you are feeling and then share that information in the most truthful and non-judgmental way. One of the best ways to practice knowing your own truth (and not judging it) is through Mindful Meditation. Originally brought to the West through John Kabat-Zinn's book, Full Catastrophe Living, you can get more information from the internet and then find a class offered near you.

The definition of intimacy is the desire to know and be known by another. It is the foundation of great long-term sex. This ability to both listen and share without judgment is so crucial that I would say to anyone interested in practicing spiritual sex that this is the foundation, once you have learned to open your heart. An open heart is not enough because just loving someone does not mean you will tell the truth in the moment and often you might do just the opposite. We have so little training in self-disclosure in this culture and so many relationships are enmeshed in the belief that "if you can't say anything nice, doesn't say anything at all" (until so much resentment has built up you can't stand it). This belief stifles saying the most important words that need expression to allow sex to become REAL.

Once you have become good at expressing your truth without judgment, you can try it during sex. This takes a lot of skill, since our culture has many beliefs, all based on the performance model, about what "should" and "should not" be expressed during sex. The kind of truth I have been discussing connects us deeply to ourselves and our partner and it is that connection that leads to a feeling of transparency, where we are so open and vulnerable that we are fully engaged and responsive to our beloved.

Read more: Long-Term-Relationships, Self-Disclosure, Finding Your Voice, Communication Skills, Conscious Loving, Spiritual Sex, Intimacy, Sex, Living News

Tears are the vehicle that God gives us to transport someone from our lives into our hearts, where they live forever.

One of my dearest friends and supports, Ward Wieman, died on Saturday after a prolonged and valiant battle against cancer. I would say that he was a mentor, but the respect and caring that he had for me (and many like me) was such that he would have preferred to think of us as friends.

I am not alone in the deep sorrow I feel. I try not to cry in public, but I actually welcome the feeling of how much Ward meant to me and others. And my tears are not just about missing him, but about being grateful to him.

Ward's entire life was about being of service and making the effort to truly understand others and then help them in any way he could. He was one of the most selfless people I have ever known, and having him in my life always made me want to be a better man.

Nearly fifteen years ago, Ward saved my bacon when, after making an afternoon presentation to a consulting group, I felt like a total failure. My topic was "How to Get Paid What You're Worth as a Consultant," and I had made the foolish mistake of opening my talk with some gimmick to impress the group. It went over like a lead balloon, and my presentation proceeded to deteriorate from there.

Following my presentation, there was time for the consultants to have a cocktail, after which we would have dinner and then I would give a second presentation. While they were sipping cocktails and networking with each other, I was in the restroom, nauseated and thinking of ways to get out of my evening presentation.

If I ran away, I thought, I would have trouble making future presentations in the business world. (I was three years into venturing into that arena from a full-time clinical psychotherapy practice). I spoke with Ward about this and he brainstormed with me about scrapping my prepared evening talk and instead facilitating an entirely interactive discussion in which people would share stories of "not being paid what they were worth as a consultant" and others would share how they had solved a similar situation. Ward volunteered to go first, of course, humbly recounting a time when a client stiffed him. I have always thought that he made the story up for my benefit, to direct the subsequent conversation in the direction it needed to go.

And the result? Even after suffering through my afternoon presentation, surely one of the worst they had seen, the consulting group stayed later for my evening presentation than they had ever stayed. Several came up to me to thank me for the best presentation they had seen in the organization.

That was quintessential Ward.

Ward held a Masters of Science degree in industrial engineering from the University of Missouri. He taught undergraduate engineering subjects at Missouri University and earned distinction as a Registered Professional Engineer. More recently, Ward appeared on several TV shows and international radio. He was featured in three books and numerous newspaper and magazine articles. He was a sought-after speaker on the subjects of rapid business growth, turnarounds, and negotiating.

In 1963 he started his career as an industrial engineer with Eastman Kodak and was able to enter the ranks of engineering management over the next three years.

In 1966 Ward joined Texas Instruments to create and manage their Program Management department. From 1966 to 1972, he advanced through line and staff management positions, culminating in a position in which he was responsible for corporate planning activities. This position reported to the president.

In 1972 he accepted responsibility for corporate financial functions, reporting to the Chairman of the Board and CEO of Rohr Industries. His responsibilities included acquisitions, mergers, and divestitures relating to joint ventures, subsidiaries and vendors. He achieved industry notoriety by quantitatively relating disruption of production operations to the resulting costs. This discovery led to multimillion dollar claims awards and commencement of Ward's consulting career.

Ward started his consulting career in 1975 with Peat Marwick Mitchell & Co . After three years of managing up to 84 consultants, in 1978, he started his own consulting practice. Ward served as acting CEO, COO and GM for several clients. His clients include a broad spectrum of businesses from aerospace to food service. His accomplishments range from divestiture of a $125,000 dance studio to winning a $125,000,000 contract dispute award for a shipbuilder. Ward also functioned as a board member to several corporations.

More recently he had been the heart and soul and leader of a Trusted Advisor Network (which we refer to as the TAN group), and just three weeks before he died he brought me in as the main outside speaker at an Annual Sales Meeting of Navco, a company whose CEO he had recently become and that, with his help, quickly became even more successful than it had been.

In addition to recently serving as CEO of Navco, Ward was the founder and owner of Management Overload. He achieved international distinction as a management consultant due to his successes with rapid business growth and turnarounds. Prior to management consulting, Ward enjoyed 12 years of progressively responsible executive positions in three Fortune 100 companies, achieving high executive posts in two of these companies. He also served as an advisor to President Carter on zero-based budgeting and productivity measurement during Carter's presidency.

Even after the bathroom incident, Ward continued to support me through my career, as he did for many others. I hope Ward knew how grateful so many of us were to him. And for those of us who wonder if we sufficiently let him know how we felt about him, I am certain he is in Heaven replying with his gentle, caring smile, "Yes, I knew, now go on and have a great life."

A final note; Ward would not be pleased if he caused us to feel so sad about his passing. He would prefer to put a smile on our face as much in death as he did in life. To that end, I am reminded of the description of "A Good Death" that Dr. Henry A. Murray passed onto another dear friend and mentor of mine, Dr. Edwin Shneidman. As Murray defined it: "It's dying so as to be as little a pain in the a** to your family and friends as possible."

If that is the case, Ward had indeed "a good death," but more than that, he had a great life. And for those of us who were privileged to know him and be known by him, our lives were made great by his presence.

Who are you grateful to? Have you let them know? Shouldn't you?

Read more: Mark Goulston, Tribute, Gratitude, Friendship, Relationships, Grief, Death & Dying, Living News

Call it what you like - ADD, ADHD, AD/HD, Attention Deficit Disorder (with or without hyperactivity) or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. This condition, by any name, gets the majority of its 'press' from in the public arena -- failure at school or work. But that's just its outward face. At least for adults, the really insidious stuff often occurs in the private sphere. As a result, many adults who suspect that they have the condition fail to get treatment; they figure if it's not affecting their job so the problem cannot be ADHD. That's not just wrong, it's also a cause of preventable misery.

Simply, people with ADHD tend to crave stimulation and stink at moderation. That's a bad combination when there are so many ways to achieve instant gratification with lasting, nasty consequences. It's even worse, arguably, for people who do manage to perform well at work but are so bored that they're constantly seeking a new thrill.

What follows are the big three. These tend to get misrepresented as just 'moral failings' but are really very common ways that out-of-control ADHD adults seek stimulation to their own detriment.

1. Sex: Sex is a good thing, except when it's not. For example, sex with someone other than your spouse/partner on a regular basis can lead to nasty break-ups, divorce, custody battles, etc. Sex with strangers (without the proper use of condoms) can lead to all kinds of STD's, which you might inadvertently share with people you love. In fact, all kinds of legal sex can ruin your life. This doesn't mean that everyone with ADHD is a slut (male or female), but it's a common 'high risk' behavior that many untreated people with ADHD tend to indulge.

2. Gambling: I have never gambled, precisely because I'm so sure that once I start, I'll love it. Unfortunately, lots of people with ADHD do get the fever and are more than happy to blow all kinds of money that they have or don't have. And you don't need Vegas, a bookie or an Indian casino to make this happen. The stock market will do quite nicely, as will a credit card with a very high limit. For many, reckless spending is just as stimulating as losing money on games of chance.

3. Drugs: For me, caffeine was the drug of choice. I would try to limit myself to a dozen shots of espresso a day. I often failed. For others, crystal meth (methamphetamine) turns out to have been even better. And despite what many people think, most adults with ADHD aren't doing this to party: they're doing it to work. Stimulants, for many of us with the condition, are focusing and calming. That leads to better performance at work, happy bosses, financial reward, etc. Those are the precise 'rewards' that tend lead us beyond moderation and headlong into the realm of excess.

Like most activities, sex, drugs and gambling are just fine for most people in moderation. If you have ADHD, however, you don't really 'do' moderation. Fortunately, coginitive therapy, behavioral coaching, appropriate pharmaceuticals and understanding the realities of your condition can help you to curb excess and manage your condition. So, if you think that you might have ADHD or know that you do but remain untreated, get yourself some assistance. Treatments aren't always perfect, but they do frequently lead to happier lives.

Michael B. Laskoff
CEO, AbilTo.com

Read more: Casinos, Espresso, Indian Casinos, Drugs, Coffee, Vyvanse, Las Vegas, Meth, Concerta, Behavioral Therapy, Strattera, Sex, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Adhd, Treatment, Methamphetamine, Ritalin, Addd, Lily Allen, Shire Pharmaceutical, Gambling, Living News

I don't know much about much, but after (mfpfpffhh) years of being married, I'm confident of these ten things any man can do to make himself a much better husband.

1. Embrace your wrongness. In the course of disagreeing with our wives, what many of we men fail to realize is that, invariably, we're wrong. We just are. We're trying to be right -- but failing. We can't help it. It's the nature of things. Men are bigger, hairier, stronger, and wronger. It's a fact we should just get used to. God knows our wives have.

2. Stop fidgeting while your wife's talking to you. It really is rude -- and you know it. If you don't stop doing that, then one day, when your wife starts talking to you about her day, you're going to start distractedly fiddling with the remote control, your cell phone, or something else, and she's going to suddenly shriek and stab you with a fork.

3. Remember that your tone does too matter. You know how in arguments with your wife, you keep thinking that if she would just focus on what you're saying, instead of on how you're saying it, then she'd see how right you are? Yeah, that's never going to happen. She needs to know you still love her as you're yelling at her. Women are funny like that.

4. Actually have opinions. Women like men who are clear on what they think, and why they think it. Men, though, enjoy ever waffling. Well, waffles are for kids. Stop it. Commit to thoughts, ideas, and decisions. Sure, you'll be wrong about whatever it is you decide to think. But you'll be attractively wrong. Wrong, but studly. That's the American way.

5. Give her presents. Women love to receive gifts. But men don't like to give gifts, because doing so takes time, money and trouble. Plus, you can never really figure out what to give a woman anyway -- and the idea that you have to give, say, a Valentine's Day gift, automatically invalidates the very reason people are supposed to give spontaneous gifts of love in the first place, which actually makes such gifts a manipulative insult. And those are your choices: Either do what she wants, or be right. And what have we already learned about you being right?

6. Stop being so hormonally crazed. Well, at least try to stop being so hormonally crazed. Okay, try to be less hormonally crazed. Okay, forget it. Just try not to get arrested.

7. Stop complaining about your job. Guys love to talk about -- and especially to complain about -- their jobs. Women, though often seemingly infinite in their patience and empathy, do have their limits. You'll know you've reached your wife's when, as you are telling her about your day, she starts to fidget.

8. Get okay with being late. Women have an internal guide that tells them which things it's okay to be late for, and which things it's not. Unfortunately, that guide is written in ancient Venusian. You don't read ancient Venusian. You don't read any Venusian. Invest in a hand-held DVD player.

9. Tell your wife how to behave in public. Women love this. It makes them feel like you're watching out for them, like you're helping them understand things about themselves that they don't understand, and should be aware of. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to explain this to my own wife as she was walking away from me.

10. Don't keep bugging your wife to give you some good ideas for a "Top 10" list you're writing when she's trying to get ready to go to work. Trust me on this one.

**********************************************************************************

JohnShore.com


Fan me, baby!

Read more: Huffington Living, Wife, Husbands, Living News, Relationship, Marriage Advice, Marriage, Real Housewives, Relationships, Living, Comedy News, Husband, Comedy, Huffington Comedy, Living News

I've been coaching people on dating and sex for years, and I have a question. Am I missing something here?

Are we supposed to be talking about our sex life with everybody we meet? Are we supposed to walk up to someone we first meet at Whole Foods and say, "Hey, how are you doing? You know what? I've only slept with three women in my entire life. I'm happy to meet you. My name is David."

A woman goes to a cocktail party. Should she announce to the partygoers, "Let me tell all of you. I have only had sex with three men in my entire life." Is this okay?

I mean, first John Mayer (about whom I recently wrote) decided he was going to publicize what an amazing sex life he had with two of Hollywood's biggest "it girls." Now Megan Fox has publicly admitted that she's only had sex with two guys.

It's amazing. It seems that Hollywood has gone from diet-itis, to baby-itis, and now to sex-itis.

What's next? Will we hear Tom Cruise admit that he actually never had sex with Katie Holmes, and that baby Suri was artificially inseminated by Scientology sperm? Who knows.

What are we going to get hit with next? It used to be that the biggest "news" about celebrities was about those who were coming out of the closet.

Do you remember when Neil Patrick Harris, aka Doogie Howser, decided he was going to be publicly gay and all of a sudden came out of the closet? Everyone was shocked. Oh my God, not Doogie Howser! It was such a big deal for him to talk about his sexual orientation.

Now it seems that celebrities feel the need to tell the world everything about their sex lives. The newest thing is celebrities talking about with how many people they've had sex.

The question is why do we care? I don't really care how many people someone has had sex with so far in their life.

This actually relates to a much deeper topic. How many of you start dating someone, get to know them, and then when you find out how many lovers they've had you judge and evaluate them?

How many of you men always judge women based on how many men they've had sex with before they were dating you? You think, "Oh my God, she's had 10 lovers before me. I don't know how to deal with that" or "Oh man, she's slept with 15 people. I don't know if I can deal with that."

Here is how you deal with that information. You don't do anything.

Whatever happened before someone was with you really doesn't matter. If someone had sex before they were with you -- even up to the day before they were with you -- that is no reason to judge them. You didn't exist in their life at that time.

If someone had sex with 20 people before they met you, why judge them? You weren't part of their life at the time they were having sex with any of those people. The only thing you should care about is that they are no longer having sex with any of those people now that they are having sex with you.

We need to stop being such a puritanical society when it comes to sex. We need to stop judging others about their sex life.

Now, when John Mayer decided he was going to air his dirty laundry all over the place, I basically told you that was not a cool thing to do. I told you that what he did is the number one turnoff to women.

When you are dating someone, though, you should never judge them on their past. Never judge someone based on how many lovers they have had or how many relationships they have had.

Remember that everything they have experienced before being with you is a lesson they needed to learn, and something they needed to do and embrace. Everyone's experiences make them the unique person that you are falling in love with right now. So let's stop judging others and start looking at our own lives.

Oh, and if you run out of things to talk about at a cocktail party this weekend, then just be like Megan Fox and reveal your sexual past to everyone in the room. You can tell everyone, "You know I've only slept with 48 people in my life, but none yet this year. So I am looking for my first lover of 2010. Anybody want to do me tonight?"

Read more: Dating Etiquette, Sex History, Megan Fox, John Mayer, Neil Patrick Harris, Relationships, Doogie Howser, Dating Advice, Sexual Double Standard, Sex, Tips, David Wygant, Neil Patrick Harris Gay, Sex Partners, Advice, Living News

I've been coaching people on dating and sex for years, and I have a question. Am I missing something here?

Are we supposed to be talking about our sex life with everybody we meet? Are we supposed to walk up to someone we first meet at Whole Foods and say, "Hey, how are you doing? You know what? I've only slept with three women in my entire life. I'm happy to meet you. My name is David."

A woman goes to a cocktail party. Should she announce to the partygoers, "Let me tell all of you. I have only had sex with three men in my entire life." Is this okay?

I mean, first John Mayer (about whom I recently wrote) decided he was going to publicize what an amazing sex life he had with two of Hollywood's biggest "it girls." Now Megan Fox has publicly admitted that she's only had sex with two guys.

It's amazing. It seems that Hollywood has gone from diet-itis, to baby-itis, and now to sex-itis.

What's next? Will we hear Tom Cruise admit that he actually never had sex with Katie Holmes, and that baby Suri was artificially inseminated by Scientology sperm? Who knows.

What are we going to get hit with next? It used to be that the biggest "news" about celebrities was about those who were coming out of the closet.

Do you remember when Neil Patrick Harris, aka Doogie Howser, decided he was going to be publicly gay and all of a sudden came out of the closet? Everyone was shocked. Oh my God, not Doogie Howser! It was such a big deal for him to talk about his sexual orientation.

Now it seems that celebrities feel the need to tell the world everything about their sex lives. The newest thing is celebrities talking about with how many people they've had sex.

The question is why do we care? I don't really care how many people someone has had sex with so far in their life.

This actually relates to a much deeper topic. How many of you start dating someone, get to know them, and then when you find out how many lovers they've had you judge and evaluate them?

How many of you men always judge women based on how many men they've had sex with before they were dating you? You think, "Oh my God, she's had 10 lovers before me. I don't know how to deal with that" or "Oh man, she's slept with 15 people. I don't know if I can deal with that."

Here is how you deal with that information. You don't do anything.

Whatever happened before someone was with you really doesn't matter. If someone had sex before they were with you -- even up to the day before they were with you -- that is no reason to judge them. You didn't exist in their life at that time.

If someone had sex with 20 people before they met you, why judge them? You weren't part of their life at the time they were having sex with any of those people. The only thing you should care about is that they are no longer having sex with any of those people now that they are having sex with you.

We need to stop being such a puritanical society when it comes to sex. We need to stop judging others about their sex life.

Now, when John Mayer decided he was going to air his dirty laundry all over the place, I basically told you that was not a cool thing to do. I told you that what he did is the number one turnoff to women.

When you are dating someone, though, you should never judge them on their past. Never judge someone based on how many lovers they have had or how many relationships they have had.

Remember that everything they have experienced before being with you is a lesson they needed to learn, and something they needed to do and embrace. Everyone's experiences make them the unique person that you are falling in love with right now. So let's stop judging others and start looking at our own lives.

Oh, and if you run out of things to talk about at a cocktail party this weekend, then just be like Megan Fox and reveal your sexual past to everyone in the room. You can tell everyone, "You know I've only slept with 48 people in my life, but none yet this year. So I am looking for my first lover of 2010. Anybody want to do me tonight?"

Read more: Dating Etiquette, Sex History, Megan Fox, John Mayer, Neil Patrick Harris, Relationships, Doogie Howser, Dating Advice, Sexual Double Standard, Sex, Tips, David Wygant, Neil Patrick Harris Gay, Sex Partners, Advice, Living News

Could it be divine intervention?  Or would that be divine punishment?

This week, just days after Catholic Charities cut off spousal insurance and employment benefits for all employees to protect itself from the scourge of gay marriage in the District of Columbia, the Vatican is embroiled in a gay sex scandal.

Last Monday, employees at Catholic Charities were told they would lose spousal health benefits to "avoid offering benefits to same-sex partners of its workers," the latest spiteful move of Catholic Charities and the Catholic Archdiocese of Washington, which has been threatening hell-fire and damnation ever since DC began the process of legalizing same-sex marriage. 

Meanwhile, persons "within the household of the Pope" were engaging in what could only be called "solicitation and trafficking" for the purpose of homosexual sex.

With respect to homosexual persons, it seems the institutional Catholic Church can't decide whether to love 'em or leave 'em. 

The Church of course, has a very, very strong moral stance about sex, sexuality, and reproduction.  You know, the one that leads organizations like the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops to try to dictate to everyone else in the world how to live and what decisions to make from "conception to natural death," including with whom and how to have sex in between.

That Church, for which the "truth," and "morality," and "god's will" is so immutably clear that the very laws of the United States of America--and all the hospitals and health care centers within it--are, if the Church has its way, to be governed by Church principals, never mind public health or medical science.  The Church whose own religious teachings demand that marriage be defined between one man and one woman--even civil marriage--and for which sex can only be had within marriage. 

Unless of course you are a priest, and have sex with children or men, and can of course keep it a secret, as clearly those folks in Vatican City were hoping to do.

This whole finger-wagging and hypocrisy thing is getting so old, especially for an institution that professes to care about every one.  Every one being of course fetuses before birth and all heterosexual men.  The rest of us be damned...quite literally, as I understand it.

So first the benefits. The Washington Post reports employees were informed early this week that Catholic Charities would no longer offer benefits to spouses of new employees or to spouses of current employees who are not already enrolled in their plan.

"We looked at all the options and implications," said the charity's president, Edward J. Orzechowski. "This allows us to continue providing services, comply with the city's new requirements and remain faithful to the church's teaching."

A former executive at Catholic Charities strongly criticized the change, according to the Post:

Tim Sawina, who was until last year one of the group's highest-ranking executives, called the elimination of spousal health benefits "devastating" and "wrong" in a letter Wednesday to the governing boards of the social service organization.

The Archdiocese and Catholic Charities, which receives $22 million from the city for social service programs, tried to have it both ways, first through a bit of, shall we say, strong-arming. Catholic Charities threatened to withdraw its services from DC: To protest the same-sex marriage proposal, Catholic Charities stated it might not be able to continue its contracts with the city, including operating homeless shelters and facilitating city-sponsored adoptions.

According to the Post:

Being forced to recognize same-sex marriage, church officials said, could make it impossible for the church to be a city contractor because Catholic teaching opposes such unions.

That effort fizzled big time when numerous other agencies stepped up and said they'd gladly take over those contracts.  In the end, that is what happened: According to the Post, "[a]fter the council voted to legalize gay marriage, Catholic Charities last month transferred its foster-care program -- 43 children, 35 families and seven staff members -- to another provider, the National Center for Children and Families."

So I guess they had to find a way to pout further for fear that the charity receiving funds from taxpayers might actually be forced to do the abhorrent thing and actually help support the partner or spouse of a gay person.

The church faced two options with the approval of the new law, said Robert Tuttle, a George Washington University professor who studies the relationship between church and state. One choice was to expand the definition of domestic partner, as the Archdiocese in San Francisco did years ago, to include a parent, sibling or someone else in the household.

The second choice was to do what the Washington Archdiocese has done: eliminate benefits for all spouses.

"For decades, the church has been at the forefront of worker benefits, so this move cuts against their understanding of social justice and health benefits to all possible," Tuttle said. "But obviously, you can see they felt there was a real conflict between those values. They feel they weren't left with much of a choice."

Staff members at the charity were not given advance notice of the new policy and will not be able to add a spouse now because the most recent open enrollment period ended in November.

Yep.  Those values.

Nice.

Meanwhile, back at the Vatican ranch, so to speak, there's been some hanky-panky going on.  The Guardian UK reports that "the Vatican was today rocked by a sex scandal reaching into Pope Benedict's household after a chorister was sacked for allegedly procuring male prostitutes for a papal gentleman-in-waiting."  [Emphasis added...couldn't help it.]

According to the Guardian:

Angelo Balducci, a Gentleman of His Holiness, was caught by police on a wiretap allegedly negotiating with Thomas Chinedu Ehiem, a 29-year-old Vatican chorister, over the specific physical details of men he wanted brought to him. Transcripts in the possession of the Guardian suggest that numerous men may have been procured for Balducci, at least one of whom was studying for the priesthood.

This has caused "grave embarrassment to the Vatican, which has yet to publicly comment on the affair."

While Catholicism does not condemn homosexuality outright, its teaching is that homosexual acts "are intrinsically disordered." The Catechism of the Catholic church states unequivocally: "Under no circumstances can they be approved."

The procuring of services for sexual activity was discovered during an investigation into Balducci's involvement in "widespread corruption."  Here I guess we are talking about political and economic corruption, which apparently is different than the "moral corruption" of homosexuality about which the Church is so worried.

Balducci is also a senior adviser to the Congregation for the Evangelisation of Peoples, the department that oversees the Roman Catholic church's worldwide missionary activities.

Since 1995, he has been a member of one of the world's most exclusive fraternities - the Gentlemen of His Holiness, or Papal Gentlemen, the ceremonial ushers of the papal household. In the words of a 1968 ordinance, they are expected to "distinguish themselves for the good of souls and the glory of the name of the Lord".

According to a report, there was a hidden side to Balducci's life.  (Really?)

"In order to organise casual encounters of a sexual nature, he availed himself of the intercession of two individuals who, it is maintained, may form part of an organised network, especially active in [Rome], of exploiters or at least facilitators of male prostitution."

The Vatican's response?  No loss of employment benefits for this guy!

According to one source, there was no provision for the dismissal of a Gentleman of His Holiness. Another said: "We shall wait for the judiciary's definitive verdict."

Of course not! If the previous sex scandals in the United States are any indication, the Church will go to all lengths to protect this guy.

Meanwhile, employees in DC will lose their health benefits and the US Conference of Catholic Bishops will go on fighting health care for millions of people in the United States, because they are morally opposed to the federal funding of abortion, a case of political shadow boxing if there ever was one because there is no federal funding of abortion included in any existing health reform bill.

Moral absolutism.  It's a great thing.

This article was originally published at RH RealityCheck

Read more: Church, Health Reform, Sex, Gay Marriage, Vatican, Same-Sex Marriage, Politics News

Life's not a sprint, it's a marathon. It's highs and lows, peak performance and hitting the wall only to feel the elation of crossing the finish line. Then swearing to yourself you'll never do that again, but you do.

So, the topic is being a resilient person and living a resilient life. You might be asking yourself, or at least I would, what qualifies this guy to write about being resilient? Indulge me for a bit because in later blogs I'll cover being blown up by a suicide car bomber, losing six of my snipers and three of my close friends to combat. I'll also write about some of my friends: my buddy Dave was a BK (below the knee) Amputee who fought to keep it that way for two years and recently had to make the decision to become an AK (above the knee) amputee based on complications. I'll also write to you about my buddy Eddie. Eddie should have died, but didn't and now he's got two hooks were his hands use to be and can still whip me at pool. I will also tell you about my buddy Nick Popaditch or as we like to call him Gunny Pop. Nick was shot in the face with an RPG (that's rocket propelled grenade if you didn't already know) he's legally blind now running for Congress out in Southern California and going to give the incumbent a run for his money. With all that said, what I want to start off with in this first blog is being resilient after a divorce.

I loved Sarah more than anything else in this world. I was young and single living in a garage in Pacific Beach. I had a part time gig in San Diego Harbor cleaning all the growth off the bottom of boats. It was great, spent all day underneath people's yachts with a regulator in my mouth, not a thought in my head, doing the wax on/wax off technique trying to keep breakfast down from way too much drinking the night before. This beautiful brunette was the office manager and had a distinct way about her that I fell in love with immediately. She had that tough exterior and a real quick wit that I love so much. Eight months later right before I shoved off for deployment I married her.

For the next seven years I would put her through hell. We moved 14 times in seven years. I left the Marine Corps twice just to fail in the civilian world and have to go back to the Corps. I missed both her pregnancies and our first child's birth because I was on deployment. After being blown up in Iraq and losing my Marines and a couple of friends I became emotionally distant from her. Since I couldn't stay in the Corps I started pursuing other things to fill the void left in my life by not being able to serve. I tried to fill that void by making a lot of money; I traveled way too much and left her home alone way too often. When the money wasn't satiating the void I turned to the FBI to become a special agent and serve again. I was willing to leave my wife and children for six months of training and then potentially another couple years so they could stay in Colorado and give the kids some normalcy. In early 2009 she'd had enough and wanted out.

I went crazy for about three weeks. I didn't eat, didn't sleep, I lost 25 pounds. I thought about killing her, myself, the dog and not in that particular order. I went through her stuff trying to see if there was another man that I could kill. I called my friends constantly crying, swearing. I called her mom and dad, her best friend, anyone that I could think of to help talk her out of leaving me. I had zero productivity at work. I enrolled in Divorce Remedy -- a full proof program to stop divorce. I bought and read every book I could get my hands on about stopping divorce. I tried to force her to talk to me, tried to beg her to stay, questioned her character etc. Then one day I was playing with my kids and it dawned on me -- dramatic pause -- they didn't deserve a crazy father.

I remember telling myself "get your shit together Chris." We have a saying in the Corps that if things are getting screwed up "go back to the basics." I talked to my best friend Jenet and she said Chris do what you've always done, set some goals. That's what I did, went back to the basics. I set my faith as my number one priority, to get back that peace that passes all understanding. Second be mindful of the kids -- make all time quality time. Third Continue to Love and Pray for Sarah. Fourth keep myself Mentally, Emotionally, Physically and Spiritually fit. Finally, Keep a sense of humor and don't let depression and despair creep in and allow vices to take hold. I also got some help from a counselor.

I steer wrestled just after high school, I was the Captain of my College football team, I was a Force Recon Marine, I led a platoon of Snipers in Iraq, If I can swallow my pride and get help anyone can.

What have I learned from this experience? Too much in the little space I've got left but let me give you three lessons.

1. Don't do anything out of spite; continue to love the other person as if nothing happened. In the long run, especially with children involved, that will ring loud and clear to everyone around.

2. You can't control other people, the only thing you can control is yourself. Don't let other's words or actions control your attitude.

3. Forgive yourself. Even if it was 100 percent your fault (which it never is) forgive yourself, learn what you did wrong and don't repeat the same mistakes in the future but don't dwell on the past.

As painful as this whole experience has been it has changed my life for the better. I'm now more focused on my faith. The time I spend with my children is so much better. I know exactly what I want and don't want for my next relationship. I used working out as a stress reliever and have managed to take four inches off my waist. I'm healthier and I've realized through this experience I can handle anything life can throw at me. Let me leave you with this: if life kicks you between the legs, just put ice there. After the swelling goes down and the pain goes away you're good as new.

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